I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

It has been an eventful week, with Jess’s results, her posting, her abstract presentation and of course, Shalini’s graduation. Words cannot explain how much I wish you were here for this week.

Jess’s postings came out the day after her results. After the emotional breakdown that happened when her results came out, it was hard to be upbeat, despite the amazing signs you gave us. I was more nervous about her posting. After all, we all know how hard Jess works. So honestly, it would have been a shock if she hadn’t passed. The posting however, was anyone’s game. I kept telling her she needed to be prepared that she may be posted anywhere in the UK, and it would also be an experience. But I could tell she was going to have trouble accepting it.

The results of the posting were to be out at 3.30pm Singapore time. Jess totally surprised me that morning when she asked me if I wanted to log in to check it when it was time. She was going to sleep late and wouldn’t be awake till much later. I was actually terrified, but told her to send me the login details anyway. I would think about whether I would be brave enough to check this later.

Throughout the day, I was nervous. But there were also constant memories of when Jess’s medical school application results came out. You were sleeping in my room then. We were tracking the forums for the results and they were coming out in batches. You were so excited about this, and would wake me up every morning by 5am to check. It was very frustrating. On the final day, you woke me up again at 5am and asked me sleepily, “Did you check Mum?”. I was irritated to have been woken up but then logged into the system. And of course, saw the result. “Oh my God, she got in!”, I said to you. “Oh my God!”, you screamed. And with that, you leapt out of bed, ran to her room, literally jumped on her and screamed, “You got in, you got in!”.

When I think about it now, it is amazing how thrilled you were for her, knowing our small family would feel even smaller. You and I had many conversations about Jess going to London. I remember you saying to me, “it will be something exciting for all of us Mum”.

Well, as 3.30pm approached, I kept looking at the clock, but I was stuck in a meeting. Finally it ended and I got back to my room. As I sat at my desk, all the nerves disappeared and I said to you, “Ok Josh, you need to do this for her too”. I could just feel like you were right by my side as I logged into the system, just like you were when her med school application results came out.

And there it was, London. Her first choice. I truly felt you were looking at it on the screen with me! I called Ammamma first and told her. We both talked about how much we were constantly “bothering” you! But that’s not going to stop. Sorry Josh!

I sent Jess a text, “LONDON!!!”, which she woke up to minutes later. It was only then that she truly looked happy. She is totally convinced it was you who made this happen!

The following day, she was supposed to do a presentation. As I was going to sleep, I got a vision of you sitting right beside her in the lecture theatre, waiting for her to go up on stage, and clapping loudly. I said this to Shalini the next morning, also quite sure you will be doing the same at her graduation.

Thank you darling!

Love Mum