I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

This is my last post about graduation, I promise. The day went well, better than I expected, but as we know, it would have been way better with you. I took pictures with our friends but I also held up your picture so we could still take photos with you. If I have time (and skill) I’ll edit some of our pictures to add you in. Let me figure out how to do it first. Don’t worrry, Josh. You will be in every picture we take.

I’m not particularly proud of myself because I think this is something that most people do – get a degree. My parents were quite happy though, which I am grateful for. My mum got me a crocheted bouquet of flowers that were purple (which made me even more grateful because in getting it purple, I felt like she acknowledged you)! I’m pretty sure she bought it with my dad’s card, so I’ll take it as a joint effort. I’m not very happy with this moment that I think many might take as a milestone, but I think that’s how much grief we are in.

I am the first granddaughter on my mum’s side of the family and it appears that I’m the first grandchild to graduate with a degree. If I keep this studying up, I’ll be the first on both my dad’s and mum’s side of the family to get a Master’s and a PhD. Fingers crossed. Again, it’s not very impressive considering the dynamics of other families, but it’s not that bad either. I’ll keep doing it for you, but it helps that the people around me are happy for me too. But like I said, fingers crossed.

I don’t want to think about graduation without your physical presence, so let us dive into a fake memory of mine. Here’s my version of graduation – what I imagined graduation would have looked like if you were physically here and graduating with me.

First, we would have celebrated the day before. We’d have gotten each other flowers and gifts. At the end of 2024, I was thinking of buying you flowers too because I didn’t understand why only girls received flowers. I thought boys could and should too. Unfortunately, as we know, the first flowers I gave you were at your wake. Sorry, back to my version of graduation. After the flowers and gifts, we would have gone out to a fancy place for dinner. This is also something we wanted to do frequently – fancy dinners. We would have saved money for this dinner (in case others are wondering why we’re so freely spending money).

On the day of graduation, we would have met at MBS directly. You would have gone with your mum and sister, me with my parents, and L will her friends. We’d take soooooooo many pictures in the free photobooth and photo spots before entering the hall. The only thing I’m unsure of is whether our families would have sat together. I think so. We’ve been together for close to two years now. I think they would be feeling comfortable enough to sit together.

In the hall, your seat would have been quite far from mine. “J” and “S” aren’t too close in the alphabet, sadly. You would have been seated nearer to L. We’d still be texting each other the whole time though. We’d sneak glances at each other from our seats, the same way we used to in exams. Every time a speaker said something snobby, we’d have given each other looks.

You would have walked on stage before L and I, and we would have clapped and yelled. L and I were talking about this – if cheering loudly for others was good etiquette. We both agreed that it wasn’t, but I told her that I would have cheered loudly for you, so in a way, I get it. I’d cheer if I had someone to cheer for. I did clap loudly for L when she walked before me though! I couldn’t really cheer because I was in the line and didn’t know if that would have been appropriate. I’m sure you were clapping for her from up there too. Anyway, I digress. I can see our families standing up to take videos and pictures of us walking. I can see us eating at the buffet after the ceremony (though I didn’t really eat, and I’m sure you wouldn’t have either).

At one point in the ceremony, a student from another faculty gave a speech. I would tell you what the contents of his speech was, but I don’t remember because I wasn’t paying attention. I remember telling L it sounded like ChatGPT wrote it for him, and we were discussing how you would have given the speech instead. I could see you addressing us on stage, proudly beaming and looking down at us. I think you’re doing that now too – proudly beaming down at us. I would have embarrassingly cheered as loud as I could have, stood up for pictures, and told my family to take as many videos and pictures of you as they would me. I think my family would have been so proud of you too.

In my version of graduation, we would have been so happy. Our friends would have been so happy. Our families would have been so happy. We would have been that cute couple that single people despise for being so irritatingly happy and successful.

As sad as it may be, replaying fake memories helps sometimes. Like I’ve said, I live in my head a lot.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha

The image on the right is us with a Lego model of the three of us and Dr K! Dr K gifted it you last year. It was meant to be given to you when you graduate, but you received it in 2025 for your birthday instead. You would have absolutely loved it.