I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

It was timely that Jess wrote about this recently. It is something I never knew to exist.

In mathematics (your most favourite subject), a constant is a fixed, unchanging value or number in an expression, equation or function, representing a quantity that does not vary.

In life, there are no constants. We live in a world ever changing. I’m not sure what you would say about the world right now. But as I realised, the world just didn’t stop for us. And now, more than a year after you passed, I can feel the expectations of some to be that we appear ok.

Grief is also a constant. It differs from its status in mathematics, in that it is not fixed, and it is always changing. But it is ALWAYS there. It is there in any expression, equation or function. Most days it lives in my heart, this heavy weight, pulling me down. Some days it pops up unexpectedly, when someone says something, or I see something. Like when I drive past your University. Or when I see an advertisement for WWE on Netflix. Everyday, it lives as regret, forever reanalysing that night and wishing for a different ending. It is hard to accept and believe that this constant is always going to be with us, its tendrils sometimes enveloping us like a beanstalk to the extent of crushing our breaths and the will to live. But sometimes, the tendrils retract and let go, just a little bit, enough to let us smile and even laugh. In these moments, the constant frequently peeks at me, reminding me, “don’t forget what happened to your son”. Like I could ever forget, or ever want to forget.

I shamefully and embarrassingly admit only now of your constant. In the many, many conversations we had together of how you were feeling, I stupidly told you, “hang in there, the feeling will pass”. I think you believed me when you were little. But as you got older, I could see you didn’t believe me, but also didn’t say anything, so as to not upset me. I’m sorry darling, for not truly understanding your pain. It took your passing to get a glimpse of what this constant is.

So while there are days we may appear to be “getting on” with life, there is actually no such thing. How can there be? Your loss will ALWAYS be the constant in our lives. I am afraid to face the good times in our lives, because I just don’t want to face them without you. But I’ve also realised, the tough times are even harder. I miss not being able to come home and tell you when someone has upset me. I miss not being able to hear your voice saying “I’m sorry Mum”, apologising for someone else causing me misery. The good times are forever tainted, and the bad times are often intolerable.

You must be upset seeing us so upset. You must be upset that you can’t physically give us a hug and tell us “it’s ok Mum”. But it’s ok Josh, I will keep talking to you, complaining about the various problems and people, and (almost) hearing your answers. The constant will ensure we keep doing this.

Love Mum