I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear brother,

Everyone who knew you as a kid associated you with Michael Jackson. The best thing we inherited from our father was his taste in music. Which meant that as kids, it was Smooth Criminal and Thriller that played in our house. I still remember every Saturday morning, we’d be woken up with MJ blasting from the speakers.

Do you remember when we went with Mum to the market and bought a CD with all of Michael Jackson’s biggest hits? I don’t remember how many times we watched all of his music videos. Of course, this was with the naivety of childhood and not understanding why someone may not be a big fan of Michael Jackson. But at the time, he was the best thing to happen to us music-wise.

In particular, the best thing about being MJ fans was the fact that you chose to mimic his dance moves. As young as 3, you were so happy to pretend you were moonwalking or re-enacting other iconic moves. It almost became a rite of passage at all our family parties for you to showcase your ‘talent’. I also very fondly remember how much they scandalised Ammamma.

You didn’t dance much as you got older. I’m sure a lot of this was typical teenage angst, but that didn’t really apply to me. We got to see a hint of how you’d be at a party during the last NYE we spent in Australia. I don’t know why I felt the need to, but I took videos of you dancing and bobbing around with Mum. I don’t think I really thought it would be the only videos I’d have of you dancing as an (almost) adult, but I knew I needed to record it. Even if it was just to embarrass you.

In a support group, someone who’d lost their sister told me they felt closest to her when they were drunk. For me, it’s when I’m at a concert. Or anything involving music. I watched your favourite musical, Hamilton, for the 3rd time a few days ago. It was the firts time I watched it without you, but I could swear you were right next to me. I could hear you singing your favourite bits the same way you would on the way to school. I didn’t like the musical then, but you played it so much in the car I now know all the words.

We’ve kept your spotify account open. I have a playlist called ‘brother’ where there’s a couple dozen songs I associate with you, but your personal account is like a treasure chest. At some point, I’ll go through it carefully and see if I could hear what you did when you listened to them.

Love you so much Josh.

Love,
Acca