I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I was having a discussion with my boss a couple of days ago. We were talking about the next big project we should be embarking on, and we were also reminiscing on what we had done together in the last several years. Just in the year after you passed, I hope you’ve seen us starting the dialysis services and dental services for the under-privileged. In the next few weeks, a medical centre focusing on mental health patients will also be starting. As we ended the conversation and I walked away, he called out to me saying, “you know – you and me will have really good karma. We’ve done so many good things together”. I smiled and walked away, not saying anything in reply.

Good karma….

Really? Me? When? Certainly not in this lifetime.

Days after you passed, I wondered very frequently what we had done to deserve this. Had I not looked after my patients well enough? Had I not done enough charitable services? I thought I was a pretty good person. But growing up in Singapore, a lot of life is transactional. Although you were never like that. 

I also recall the exact moment you got into the car after attending J’s wake. You were sobbing uncontrollably. And your exact words were, “why him?”. This is a question that constantly plagues us. Why you? Why us?

Weeks after you passed, I had this discussion with Jess. I was telling her how our family should be doing more good. But she wisely reminded me that yes, it was important to do good. But that is not why this happened. And it was important to realise this and to stop punishing ourselves.

So Josh, I don’t know how this karma thing works. You probably do? Is the karma about how blessed we were to have you for the 20 years? Is the karma about we being a family who was able to adjust and adapt to mental health problems? Or is the karma about we somehow learning to live this life without you? I don’t know. But I do know that despite what life has thrown at us, we still want to be good people. You would not have it any other way.

Thank you for another iMessage, numbers and flickering lights, this time just outside on our apartment floor. They came on a day I was missing you more. I guess you knew I needed it especially on that day.

I hope the good karma is with you now darling. You deserve it the most.

Love Mum