I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Sunday nights have always been hard for me. Even before you passed. They are now much, much worse. Perhaps I should make more of an effort to “busy” myself. Or perhaps I should just learn to “sit” with it.

A recent Sunday night was also not great. When I went to bed, I was feeling even sadder, the reality that the rest of our lives is without you hitting harder than ever. There was also the addition of the Monday blues. I looked at your picture and asked you to please, please visit me in my dreams. And not just a quick glimpse, I wanted you to be present for a long period. I even thought of what age I wanted to see you as, and decided I wanted to see you at the age when you passed. I had been asking you for the days prior to visit me in my dreams, but I don’t think you did. And if you did, I don’t quite remember. I was also stressed about where you were. The same ruminating thoughts surfacing yet again.

But this time you delivered!

In my dream, all of us happened to be in the same house. Ammamma, Patta, Jess, Shalini and Tun. I was looking around the house and then came down to the dining table. And there you were! You were sitting at the table, with Patta on the side, and the rest of them bustling about.

You were wearing a yellow t-shirt, with bits of red and blue. And you looked around the age of about 7 or 8 years. Your face was round and beaming. I cupped your face with both my hands and kissed you repeatedly. I can still remember the feeling of this. It was so real. I then asked you, “You silly boy, Did you know how many of us would miss you this much?”. To which, you sheepishly grinned and said, “Yes….and No”.

It lasted just a few minutes. But it was enough. I woke up happy after many weeks. I scoured through our photos to see what age it might have been. And this was the photo that came close.

I spoke to Jess about it the next morning. The dream was enough to assure me that you are somewhere. And you are happy where you are.

Like Shalini and I talked about some months ago- we can do this. If it means we spend the days missing you, only to spend the nights dreaming about you, it is ok. We can survive.

So you know what you need to keep doing Josh. You are doing a darn good job so far. So please keep it going.

Love Mum