I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

There have been some changes in myself that I have noticed. I’m not sure if it’s grief-related, but what else could it be, right? The biggest change has been my appetite. I can’t pinpoint which day it changed, or what changed it, but my appetite has made a steep decline. I’m mostly having one meal a day. I’m not trying to, but I just don’t feel particularly hungry and eating seems to require a lot of effort. You wouldn’t be happy about this, but there’s not much I’m doing to control this. I’m not making an effort to eat less nor am I making an effort to eat more. It is what it is.

I’ve also been sleeping more. I’m not sure if this is because I’ve been eating less and therefore having less energy, but even with caffeine I can feel tired enough to take a nap. I actually can’t discern if I’m sleeping more because of my appetite, because I’m trying to escape reality, or because I want to dream of you. Whatever it is, you won’t be happy about this too. I’m sorry there’s not much good news in this letter.

I’ve also been a little irritable. Again, this could be the excess sleep or lack of food, but it could also be a phase of grief. People who didn’t used to irritate me have been trampling on my toes. I’m really needing your input on this. Has their behavior changed or have I changed? This is something we’d discuss all the time. We’d “debrief” every time we hung out with someone (your friends, my friends, or our friends) and we’d just go through every little thing that had happened and giggle or complain together. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t gossip as much as I’m portraying. We’d just share about our days and experiences, and most of the time it’s nice things about others. I’m a firm believer that the way a person speaks about others is more telling of their character than the people they are speaking about. Anyway, I really need your opinion on so many things.

Something else happened today that made me jump out of bed. Good news first – Knight was found! Bad news – yes… he ran away. I bet you saw his mischievous silhouette running out of your grandparents’ house, though. When I heard the news, I sprung out of bed and thought of dashing out of my house to look for him. I was mumbling to myself, “Please Josh, please please, please don’t let anything bad happen to him.” My mind was whirling with possible scenarios – a dog fight, a car accident, etc. It was the biggest event of my week. I’ll let your mum tell you this story – she does it better.

As I was writing this letter, a term called the “thought carousel” popped up in my mind. Actually, a “thought carousel” can sometimes be referred to as a “mental merry-go-round” – which I personally prefer because of the alliteration – but I’ll use “thought carousel” because it sounds a little more sophisticated. A “thought carousel” essentially describes a mental state where the same stressful, anxious, and repetitive thoughts uncontrollably circle in the mind. Not to be Captain Obvious, but that’s a bad thing. I thought this could relate to grief. We often experience the same thoughts circling our mind, as if they were riding a carousel, throughout the day or week. It comes in phases. Sometimes I think of what happened on the 31^st and those thoughts circle my mind for a couple of days. Then, mostly out of my control, another a few thoughts come in – like what our future could have looked like – and that becomes my recurring thought for the next few days. It just goes on and on like that with little control on my part. Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief is commonly discussed, but I haven’t seen much literature on recurring thoughts.

I digressed, but I hope this letter helps someone else feel less alone in their grief. Grief doesn’t have to look like crying all day or always talking about the person they miss. Sometimes it’s a smaller appetite, more sleep, and being a little grumpier. Sometimes it’s lunch with friends, being bubbly at school, or spending money on unnecessary things.

Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha