I Swear You Will Be Fine

hi,

last evening, i was talking to someone about the foundation we set up, and he asked if i knew joshua. and i spent some time explaining to his person whom i’ve barely met for 5 minutes about who you are, why we are doing this, and how come.

as usual, the person tried to empathise by saying something he felt would resonate with our feelings. i was bracing myself for a relatively far-fetched comparison, but this time round, he said he knows someone with schizophrenia and bipolar – and how tough it is with her around. so i said, that can be really hard for her and her family and friends, and i added “but it’s really not the same.” we exchanged a few more words about his take on her situation and i shan’t go into that because it veered quickly into a conversation i did not want to continue in case i get irritated.

the exchange (and particularly the words and tone he might not have intended) made me feel like the blame was on her. it sounded as though she chose to live with her disorders – i don’t think anyone would choose to do so. he added she chose not to take her medication. again, it just feels easier to blame someone for non-action than to understand the reason behind it.

but let me get off my high horse for a second – because lately i feel like blaming someone else (anyone else) for everything not going well. the cycle usually goes like this – i don’t do well for something, i get upset, i whine to someone, then i think back on what T said to me before “you chose to do so many things so you only have yourself to blame” , and i stop. because of his remarks, i feel like i should take the blame for my own falling short. but yesterday a passing thought when i got the stats assignment results came in was – darnit josh, you could’ve made sure i did better. then i felt bad immediately, because you would’ve ensured we all did well.

i get it – when we try so damn hard to have things go well, but it just feels like nothing is going right, it can seem like blaming someone else or something else can lighten the guilt and self-reproach ever so slightly. i know you would disagree and simply try your best anyway, so i’ll try to follow your example ok?

“Lynnda”