I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Thank you for visiting me a lot more.

Last night’s dream was extra special and extra interesting!

As usual, you were heavily on my mind before I went to sleep, despite being tired from a full day of work, a walk at the beach and late night company.

It felt like I was in another country. I was with my cousins – Anta and S Mami. Jess was there too, and Shalini, and I think Ammamma and Tun. It was like we were in a hotel, and I was trying to “busy” myself for a few hours, before I could wake you up.

Throughout those few hours, the whole group went out for breakfast, and we even went out to buy milk, which I was upset about because the bottle cost $16. Constantly at the back of my mind, was this worry that the time to wake you up was fast approaching. I knew you had died. But in this, you had somehow come back to life. And I was worried about the time approaching because it would prove or disprove your coming back to life. I was even wondering how I was going to explain this to everyone.

Weirdly, the room you were in, was like a dormitory or University hostel of some sort. And you had your own room.

I can picture myself slowly opening your room door when it was time to wake you up. But I can’t remember exactly what I saw after. My imagination is probably tricking me into seeing you tucked under your quilt, and sleepily yawning as I woke you up. But I can’t be sure.

When I finally woke up, I forced myself to remember the dream. Did I actually “wake” you up? I could almost immediately hear your voice saying, “yes, yes Mum, you did!”. 

As I lay in bed thinking about this, I wondered. Perhaps, there really is an alternate universe. And in the universe you are currently in, are you actually in University? And following your dream?

It is a nice thought. But of course, like Shalini, Jess and I would counter-argue, couldn’t you have followed your dream together with us? God did not mean for that to happen. I just don’t know why.

It was still nice- seeing you. And perhaps believing you are indeed in this alternate universe. Following your academic dream, and not suffering.

Missing you so much.

Love Mum