I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Today was one of the better days I’ve had in a while. Nothing out of the ordinary occurred. In fact, I actually missed you more – which would have meant a worse day than usual – but I found myself missing you without the feeling of a suffocating sadness. In the middle of the day, I was scrolling through pictures of you. I don’t usually do this because it makes me too sad, but today it was alright. I missed you very much, and I was very sad, but I didn’t have to hold back my tears or immediately find a distraction. I think I might be a small step closer to missing you without it feeling overwhelming. Today was uneventful, but I take it as a small win. Not sure how many “better” days I will have.

An old friend of mine got married a few days ago. I saw the pictures on social media. This used to be a close friend of mine about ten years ago. We lost contact after we moved on to different schools, but I kept him on my social media because he was nice. I think he might have “liked” a story I posted of us in 2024. Funnily enough, a lot of people “liked” that story. I remember it made us very happy… not that we would have cared if people didn’t “like” it. He met his wife in the army, some officer thingy I don’t know much about, and they got married wearing their army uniforms. How cute. To be as honest as I can be, I felt bitter looking at the pictures. I still struggle to accept that we didn’t get to be happy at later stages of our lives too. Despite the misery I felt and am, I congratulated them. I find that amidst my bitterness, I can be genuinely happy for others. Not everyone has to have a sad life. I guess some of us get to be happy.

I’ve been watching TV shows a bit more than reading lately. I didn’t get to go to the library so I’m currently out of books. Alright, that’s not actually true. I have a bunch of books I’ve yet to read but I just wanted to wait until I’ve made my routine library trip. A show I’ve recently started watching with my family is “Phantom Lawyer”. In the event that anyone else wants to watch it, I won’t spoil the story too much. It’s basically about this lawyer who sees ghosts and helps them fight for justice. It’s wholesome and ends well (I think; we’ve only watched four episodes), but it got me thinking about you. The ghosts are all a different religion than you are and they are floating about on Earth (like, literally floating) because of the talisman papers that are hidden in the lawyer’s office. We don’t have a talisman for you and I have no intention of getting one, but it made me wonder if you are also floating about on Earth. I hope so.

After each ghost’s struggle has been resolved, they request to leave instead of staying on Earth. The lawyer and the priest then burn their talisman paper and they slowly fade away. Their parting message to their family members who can’t see them is usually a wish for them to live a happy life. This made me a little sad because… will you eventually fade away too? I hope not. We’d like it if you could stay here for as long as you want to.

Watching this show was quite validating because I imagine you hovering around me quite frequently. I don’t think of you as literally hovering or floating. Your feet are on the ground in my head (don’t worry; I know you have a tiny fear of heights). I’ve gotten pretty good at this – I’m able to imagine your presence without much thought. Like right now, as I’m typing this, I can imagine you looking over my shoulder or sitting across from me. Most of the time, I can imagine your facial expressions and hear the things you’d say. I reckon most people with an active imagination can do this, and it’s one of the things I’ve been doing that makes me feel better. Mentally healthy? Maybe not. Does it bother me or anyone else? No.

I hope you’re as happy as you can be. We miss you very much. Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha