I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I had my most triggering patient today.

She was an elderly lady, brought in by her son. She clearly had some psychiatric issues that had never been diagnosed nor treated. When I asked her son why she had never received help, he told me that she had been caring for her other son all her life, and he had refused to allow her to get help. He then went on to say her other son, his brother, had passed on last month. I kept my face neutral, but alarm bells began to go off. And I didn’t really want to know how he had passed on.

The consultation had to be detailed and extensive for multiple reasons. And unfortunately, at some point, he told me that his brother had taken his life, and his mother had witnessed it. I extended my sympathies, trying my best not to flinch. I even told him that both he and his mother had gone through something extremely tragic, and perhaps, would benefit from some therapy. When all along, I wanted to scream out, “me too”.

She is a sweet old lady, who had clearly given up her entire life caring for her son with mental health problems, only to eventually end in suicide. What a tragedy. It took every ounce of strength of mine to not burst out crying in front of them. As she walked out after the consultation, she said her first words to me. “Doctor so young, very pretty”. What a sweetheart.

As soon as they left the room, I ran to lock the door and burst out crying. Something I hadn’t done in several months. But I could only give myself a few minutes. The list of patients was fast growing and I had to just get on with it.

In the subsequent hours, I thought a lot about this sweet lady. She had probably cared for her son for more than 50 years. How sacrificing! And how sad that it still ended in tragedy.

And then I wondered, what would I have wanted? Would I have wanted you to stick around till I’m 80? That would have meant me constantly worrying about you. More importantly, it would have also meant many, many more years of suffering for you. I couldn’t really answer this question.

But at the end, I looked at the past. Your problems started almost 10 years before you passed. If someone asked me if I would have preferred you passing then rather than when you did, I would definitely say when you did. Despite knowing there would be years of suffering ahead for you and years of worrying ahead for us. And it’s because, during these years, there were also many, many joyous times and now memories, for both you and us.

So at the end of the day, despite this lady probably spending all or most of her life caring for her son, I am jealous of her. She got more time. What we would have done to get another 30 years, or another 10 years, or even another year.

Love Mum