I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Our home, your sanctuary, is very, very quiet. It feels your absence tremendously. 

Some of my friends came over for dinner recently. One of them, on her way out, caught a glimpse of your room. And asked if I still “kept” your room. She was almost a little surprised, but also looked empathetic. Not only have we “kept” your room, we have added to it. It is filled to the brim with little toys and trinkets, and it thrills me every time someone gets something for you.

Despite the quietness and stillness, it is still where I feel closest to you. Having said that, it is hard going into your room. I still go in at least twice a day. But I don’t stay very long. I check your phone for its battery status and if there are any iMessages. And that’s about it.

At night, Tun and the dogs are home. So there’s a bit of activity and movement.

But some afternoons, I come home to the house completely empty. These were the times we spent together, especially the weekends. You would usually be in your room, but I miss knowing you are sitting in front of your computer, watching WWE or whatever. Every now and then I would hear your door open, and then various kitchen cupboard doors opening and closing. The occasional beep of the microwave as you heat up your brownies. I am blessed to have friends who know how difficult the weekends are and get me out as much as possible. But the silence of the home is often deafening.

A few days ago, I went to the gym after a very long time. This was something you ALWAYS encouraged, but I seldom did. When I got back to the empty home and was taking off my shoes, I thought of you a lot more. You would ask me what I did at the gym and I would show off my “active calories”. You would say “good job Mum”, and you would then give suggestions. As I missed this conversation, I looked at the front door. The reflection of the candle flame flickering looked like a light dancing away on the door. It made me smile. I silently asked you if you were there with me. And it really felt like you were there.

As Jess prepares to return home, I’m sure it will be hard for her too. But we all agree, including Shalini, that despite home being where we miss you the most, it is where we feel you the most too. So please keep spending time here with us.

Love Mum