I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Apologies for the delay with yesterday’s post. I naively assumed I would sleep enough on the flight to write on the blog when I got home. My bad, but I think you’re used to my time management.

I moved out of the house I’ve lived in during the latter half of medical school. It’s the house I had to come back to after we lost you. I had thought about what would happen if we lost you, but I always imagined getting the call in my previous London house. I don’t know if it’s because you weren’t as well those years, or because you’d visited me there several times. You hadn’t been to London since I moved into my most recent house, so you’d never seen it or been inside. I didn’t really think you never would. I assumed the opportunity would eventually arise.

You’ve sent us many literal angels to keep us going. Not just in Singapore or through blood relatives, but in twenty-something-year-olds living in London. Most of them had never met you and only knew you as my annoying younger brother. But you wouldn’t have guessed it by how they reacted.

Uni gave me a week off when they knew what happened, but said they couldn’t extend it past that without me having to redo something. So about 9 days after you passed, I had to go back. Before I’d even left, Nic, my flatmate, sent Mum a message that somehow calmed her down. I’ve never read it, Nic never told me about it, but I know it gave Mum a lot more peace about me going away.

When I arrived at Heathrow, all three of my flatmates were waiting at Arrivals. I coudln’t get myself to stop crying and they just hugged me. We must have looked insane to everyone else. They bought flowers for me and more flowers for you. By the time we got home, more friends had come to just sit with me. I still remember sitting in my bedroom with all of them, putting up your picture and flwoers next to it. I think I was still in disbelief that I had to do it.

Over the next few days, I still wasn’t very functional. I went to the hospital when I could, but I think the shock was still overwhelming. The shock also meant that I wasn’t paying attention to what was happening around me. Or rather, what friends were doing around me. I was virtually babysat. I’m still not sure if it’s because I was crying loudly or if they were listening at my door when they passed by, but at least one flatmate had a habit of appearing when I was breaking down.

They made sure I was eating, which wasn’t the easiest feat because I hate cooking. So they cooked for me. Not just the flatmates, but friends from university and even partners of friends. One of my friends was considerate to the point that she realised I wasn’t likely to be cooking 6 months later during exams, and in the middle of all the studying, dropped food off. Other friends bought me a deliveroo voucher. It’s pretty evident how much everyone knew I hated cooking LOL.

But the flatmates cleaned my room and changed my sheets before I came home. Nic and Ani helped me work out how to get my sign offs done within the shortest amount of time spent at the hospital. I still remember Iz calling me, letting me know that a patient needed a female catheter. It was my last sign-off, and because she let me know, I managed to book a flight home that night to be home for the 1 month mark. They skipped placement so I wouldn’t have to go to run errands alone and cancelled plans so they could be with me in the house. I recently found out that the 3 of them would sneak into my room during the earlier days to clean. Nic only mentioned it to me last week.

Even when we found out we had passed and become doctors, Ani had to hold me while we both sobbed. Iz later said to me that she was sorry you weren’t here to celebrate with me. It should have been a purely joyful occasion for all of them, but they somehow found space to think about you. I’m not sure I would’ve been the same, but they’ve set the benchmark when it comes to supporting your friend grieving.

The three of them have been utter godsends. I’m 100% sure you sent them because if they weren’t there, I know I wouldn’t have got through Uni over the last 2 years. Our allocations for the coming year were completely random, and somehow you’ve made sure that Ani and Iz are going to be within 20 minutes away and Nic at max 2 hours.

If you’d only sent me the 3 of them, it would have been enough. But you somehow sent the best flatmates I could’ve ever asked for and more. You’ve always been very good at presents. I didn’t realise you could still outdo yourself.

Love you,
Jess