I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’ve started watching “Money Heist” with my family. My dad really loves watching movies and it’s quite rare for him to be so engaged in a show like he is with “Money Heist”. I’m only at episode 7 but I’m thoroughly enjoying it so far. I think we would have watched it together if I had brought it up to you. You didn’t mention “Money Heist” at all like you did the other shows you watched, but while I was talking to your sister she said that the three of you actually watched it together! That brings me a lot of comfort because now I know that when I talk to you about it you’ll know what I’m talking about. I reckon you’ll be able to watch it with me anyway. I keep thinking about the discussions we would have had. I imagine us talking about which character we like and don’t, what we would have done instead, and possibly even psychoanalyzing some characters. I miss you more when I think of things like that because I don’t get to do it with anyone else. And anyway, no one matches my wavelength as well as you do.

I’ve been so busy with schoolwork. There have been deadlines after deadlines and I’m either knee deep in an assignment, recovering from one, or prepping for another. Then there are other things that are taking up my time. I find myself getting really annoyed at the number of things on my to-do list and craving rest a lot more. As I write this now, I intend to stay up late continuing my assignment, but honestly, I’m so tired. I know you’d tell me to sleep and continue working tomorrow, that I’d be more efficient if I’m well-rested, but I fear that if I don’t stick to the timeline I’ve set for myself, I’ll end up not having enough time to complete my work. I can’t remember struggling like that in 2024 or 2025. But I also get that the workload and content I’ve got to generate is tougher (this sounds like something you’d tell me). The thing is, it’s not difficult to do as if I’m struggling cognitively. It’s just so tedious that I feel restless thinking about it. The good thing is: I’ve not been needing melatonin for the past few days. I’ve just been so exhausted that I fall sleep easily. Pros and cons, I guess.

I still imagine the things you’d do and say to me when I need your help. For some issues, it’s tough to imagine what you’d say or do because you would have stopped the problem long before it had the opportunity to become a bigger one. I blame myself a little for this… I should have had a stronger backbone. To be fair, I’m learning. I’ll learn from the people you respect and love the most – they usually give the best advice. They sometimes say the things you’d say. I appreciate that very much. When I’m met with situations like that, I often feel like a compass with no needle. Like, I have the directions – kind of – but at the same time, I don’t have much to go off of.

I wonder how you’re doing. Are you still studying? Is there a school there for people who like to study? I imagine that if there was, you’d be studying. You’d likely top that school too. Maybe when I become a psychologist and start practicing, you would be doing that as well. I think our timelines align… right? I have so many questions for you. Do you have questions for us too? Knowing you, you would have written a list of questions to ask us and things to say – the way you did on our dates. If it makes you feel better about having a list, I have one for you too. It’s filled with serious questions and silly ones. The silliest one I recently added is: do you love me because you think I’m pretty or do you think I’m pretty because you love me? I’m telling you this question now so you can start thinking about it. That’s a tricky one.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha