I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’ve finally finished the last assignment for this semester. I wish you were here to “celebrate” with me. Realistically, we wouldn’t have gone out or done anything too crazy. We’d have just stayed home and played games or taken the boys down for a longer walk. Cadbury likes to sit on my lap after dinner nowadays. I’m trying to train him so that he knows not to ask to be carried while we’re having dinner and only when the plates have been cleared. The training’s not going so well so I usually pet him under the table with one hand and finish dinner with the other. You would have gently told me off for spoiling him but to be fair I do it with Knight too. Don’t get mad! I think we’re all deserving of a little spoiling now. And anyway, I can’t hear you stopping me!

I haven’t been thinking about grief a lot. I mean, you’re always on my mind, but I haven’t sat with my sad feelings for a while now. I’m not sure if I’m being avoidant or if it’s healthy. Like I wrote in the previous letter, I’ve been thinking a lot about the things you’d say or do and this one in particular is constantly repeated in my head. It was a line you said after we got our grades back in semester 2 of 2024. We were on video call and when we got our grades for one of our written exams we were both very pleased. A bout of imposter syndrome then hit me, like it always does, and I said to you, “What if she (our lecturer) only gave me a HD because she felt bad for me?” I started silently spiraling in my head and giving myself a thousand reasons to believe I only got the HD because our teacher felt bad for me. I think you could see that I had genuinely believed that, so you said, “Yeah right. She felt so bad for you instead of giving you a pass she gave you a HD.” And it was like magic. I just snapped out of it and laughed with you. You’re right. If she felt bad for me, she would have just given me a pass. She gave me the grade because I earned it.

I’ve been thinking about that line a lot lately, for everything. I’d have friends calling me for hours and I’d leave the call thinking, “Maybe they only talked to me because they felt sad for me. Maybe they don’t even like me at all.” And like magic, I’d hear you say, “Yeah right, they hate you and that’s why they decided to spend hours talking to you instead of ending the call after 5 minutes.” I still get imposter syndrome every now and then, and I hear you say, “Yes, Sha. They all somehow felt bad for you and gave you HDs to make you feel better.” You just have a way of snapping me out of my little spirals. It’s so easy for me to catch myself in a bad thought because of you. I hear you getting me out of it.

Heads up, this letter might be longer than the one before. I suddenly have so much to say to you (are you surprised? I’m not). I read some news today and found that the usual place I send my bunnies to grooming, and have been sending them to for the past 8 years, is undergoing some investigation for killing a rabbit during the grooming process. It was in the early afternoon that I read the news and I almost screamed. I also caught a glimpse of the video that was circulating, of the groomer pressing on a bunny who was screaming and trying to get away, and I almost cried. I had to mute and cover the video with my hands to read the details. I was really concerned because I had signed packages with this place and if they refused a refund, I wasn’t sure what I’d do. I called them immediately after watching the video but they didn’t pick up. So, I texted them to ask if I have any outstanding packages with them. While waiting for their reply, I talked to you. I apologized for constantly asking you to help me with things – as if you aren’t already busy enough sending signs – and asked if you could please help me ensure that I have no outstanding packages with them. A while later, a reply came – I did not have any! We were free and I could start looking for new grooming places! I would not have felt comfortable bringing my bunnies back to them after I saw what happened, so this really saves me a lot. Thank you so much for getting me out of a tough situation again.

I have another request… Sorry, Josh. It’s just, I’ve been getting a lot of mozzie bites the past month or so and it has really been affecting my sleep. It sounds really lame, but I’ll have at least 5 new bites every 24 hours – day or night, home or out – and I’ve tried everything. It would be beyond nice if you could help me maybe get them to not bite me? Again, I sound like a child (who gets mozzie bites in adulthood??), but honestly my arms, neck, back, and hands, also look like a child who’s just been to the zoo.

Thank you for always helping me out. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha