I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

One of the things I read very early on about BPD was the inability to see grey. In other words, people with BPD see things very strictly in black or white. I think in psychology terms, this is called “splitting”. It is supposedly a defense mechanism where individuals view themselves, others, or situations as either “all good” or “all bad,” and hence lack the ability to integrate positive and negative qualities.

Honestly, when I first read about it, I couldn’t quite understand it. It all seemed kind of “fluffy”. But as I watched you maneuver life with this disorder, I had front row seats to how this actually worked.

You were a prefect in primary school from a very young age. You worked quite hard at it too and were quite proud of it. I don’t remember what exactly happened, but the teacher-in-charge of the prefects did something to upset you towards the end of school. I wish I could remember it; I feel like it was something trivial. But it was enough to upset you so much so that on graduation day, when there was some sort of honouring of the prefects, you refused to go up on stage. There was nothing I could do or say to the 12 year old little you to convince you to put aside the disagreement and join the group. You didn’t appear to be upset about missing out on it as well.

This was just one of a million episodes. And no matter what we or your therapist or your psychiatrist said, if you got something in your mind, there was no changing it. And that person was “black” for life.

I think I finally understand this a lot better now. The grief, I realise, often makes me think in black or white too. I was always a very forgiving person (too forgiving- you and Jess would say), always making excuses for people’s behaviour, and always thinking the glass was half full, not empty. Everyone was seen in shades of light grey, almost white. But that has changed. I think we have all changed like that. Minor things immediately push some people into the black zone. And I hate that I feel this way.

I hope as the grief navigates our lives further, this type of mindset will change. After all, we are not suffering from BPD. And I know you wouldn’t want us to be like this or change for the worse. You would be disappointed in us thinking this way too.

Everyday something reminds me about you. Today as I was driving to work, I had an insane thought. How nice it would be to see you walk across the road for a minute. I remember how excited I would be to see you walking Shalini home while I was driving past. It is all so, so unfair.

But coming back to grey, I will try to move the colour scale back from black, slowly to dark grey, light grey and maybe white. I can also hear you say, “wait Mum, no need to be too white!”.Love you darling,
Mum