I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’m reading an interesting book that I think you would like. We’d likely have great discussions about it too. It’s called “Sociopath” and it’s a memoir written by Patric Gagne. Surprise, surprise. She’s a sociopath. She basically writes about her childhood and experiences growing up – how she discovered she might be a bit different from her peers, how she learnt the meaning of the word “sociopath”, and her experiences with family and friends who didn’t understand. Reading this book and her thoughts, I actually started to wonder if I might be a sociopath. Then I recalled the various emotions I felt after losing you and thought, “probably not”. But truth be told, I probably have some sociopathic traits – you might agree. I actually think many of us do. That’s a point she wrote as well – that there are many sociopaths living among us. I don’t think it is concerning though, so all good! And fun fact, she’s a therapist! Wow, huh?

Anyway, part of the book that made me mildly upset was how Gagne’s mother reacted to her actions. I’m pretty sure her mother had depression as well, which made it difficult for her to properly handle Gagne and her actions. At one point, Gagne shares about her pet dying. Gagne’s sister cries and cries while Gagne couldn’t show any emotion. Gagne writes that she could have cried and feigned sadness, but she didn’t want to lie to her mother. She was sad and she loved her pet, but she just couldn’t cry like her sister did. While Gagne was at school, her mother and sister buried her pet. When Gagne found out that they had done that while she was away, she was really upset. Her mother’s response was, “You weren’t even sad. I thought you didn’t care.” – which made Gagne even more upset. I was upset reading this because this was not Gagne’s first display of apathy. I felt like her mother should have known Gagne could not display emotions like other children. The point I’m making here is: just because a person’s reaction is different from someone else’s doesn’t make it any less valid.

Yes, I’m about to relate a sociopath’s experiences to grief. I’ve written about this before and I will continue writing about this because I think people need reminders. I think some people might think that we’re not sad anymore just because we don’t show it. Just because we aren’t overtly displaying our emotions doesn’t mean we are okay. I think some people also think that grief is a competition. I’ve also written about this and will write about it again. Here’s another one: Just because our grief is different doesn’t mean it is less important or less painful. Some people have the misconception that some types of grief matter more than others – because of duration, relationship, manner of death, etc. It does not. It differs – every grief is different and every grieving individual is different – but none of that matters more than the other. All of our emotions matter whether we lost the person one year ago or ten years ago. Whether we knew the person for 30 years or 3 years. Whether the person passed by cancer or by suicide. It all matters whether or not I cry in front of others or don’t. Grief is grief. How could some pit us against each other when we’re all on the same boat? It is all different, and it all matters.

On another note, I’m cutting sugar! Sorry for the abrupt topic change, I just realized I haven’t told you this yet. I’ve decided to try cutting added sugar for fun. This means that I can no longer eat anything with sugar that isn’t natural – bubble tea, donuts, cookies, candy, gummies, etc (listing these down makes me feel a bit sad… oh man…). Anyway, I think you would LOVE this. Although, I will be allowed two cheat days every month – these are the days you picked out for me and remains marked in our shared calendar. It’s currently day two of going sugar-free for me and it’s quite exciting. Though I get hungry a bit more frequently – I know the science behind this, but it’s frustrating – I’m quite determined to do this. I’m treating this as an act of discipline more than anything (and discipline is something I adore so it is exciting!). I actually know you’ll be so proud of this.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha