I Swear You Will Be Fine

Unfortunately, today was not a very good day. But let’s be honest… I don’t think I’ve had a good day since you physically left. On days like this, the ache feels crushing. It’s like an anvil is sitting on my heart and I can’t move, I can’t breathe, and everything feels impossible. On days like this, I think back to that day – when all of our lives unexpectedly changed. I replay events of that day over and over – the night before, our last conversation, the plans we made, what you might have been thinking… I keep replaying that day, that week, that month, in my mind as if I will somehow identify a blip in the tape, fix it, and things will go back to the way they were. I question all of my words, my actions, my thoughts. Did I say something wrong? What did I not do? Before my trip to Japan, I left you letters to read so you could feel my presence and love. I gave you small gifts like Pokémon Nanoblocks and Superhero blind boxes to open in my absence, so that you would have something to look forward to. And now I question… should I have written more letters? Should I have allocated specific tasks for you to do on specific days?

When the weight of it all crushes me, I am inconsolable. Nothing anyone says or does makes me feel better. There is no “feeling better” from something like this. How could we ever feel better in your physical absence? To be completely truthful, I have never been and was not raised to be a spiritual or religious person. But now I find myself grasping at every straw that tells me you’re in a happier place, and that I’ll meet you again. Sometimes it feels like that’s the only thing that provides me with some sort of relief – that there is an end to this pain and sadness, and that we will meet again.

We talked about the “red string theory” quite a few times throughout the course of our relationship. To jog your memory, because I’m half sure you don’t remember this with your boyfriend ear (boyfriend ear is one of our inside jokes and refers to when he responds to me but isn’t actually listening and a while later asks me what I said. Don’t worry, I have girlfriend ear too), the “red string theory” is a belief that suggests people are destined to be together and are connected by an invisible red string, which stretches or tangles, but never breaks. It is believed that those connected by this red string will eventually find each other, in this life, and the lives before or after. We said that we hoped we were each other’s red string, and I sincerely hope so too. As much as I love science and I know you do too, clinging onto beliefs like that comfort me on days like this. Because how could a love like ours be so short-lived?

So, I will cling onto the belief that I will see you in our next lives and we will continue where we left off. When I eventually see you again, you can tell me all about the adventures you’ve had while waiting for me and I will do the same.

In our next lives, we will be lovers again, and we will accomplish all the things we said we’d do. In our lives after that, I hope we come back as flowers. We will grow in the same garden and laugh when butterflies tickle us. In our lives after that, we will come back as nature, and you can be the clouds in my storm. And in our lives after that, we can come back as fruit, and we will grow on the same vine. In every life we live, every universe we chance upon, we will be together. How could it be any other way? The red string doesn’t break, it never does.

This was such a long letter… look how much I have to talk to you about. Can’t wait to see you again, love. Until then, I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,

Sha