I Swear You Will Be Fine

Yesterday I told Ammamma that Patta should start reading our blog. Later that evening, Ammamma said Patta was crying reading Sha’s Day 93 post. And didn’t read the rest. Last night, I walked into the kitchen and saw Tun sobbing away while holding Ammamma’s iPad. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was reading our blog. I shared the link with Haren Mama last night, and he replied with a “sad” emoji.

So I went back to our blog last night. In the home page, it is described as a “comforting” blog….hmmm….and it’s making everyone cry! Maybe not so comforting after all.

When I first thought of doing this blog, mainly from the inspiration of kidsaregifts.org, I was apprehensive. Was this going to get us unwanted attention? Jess and Sha were very supportive of the idea. Days leading up to when we were going to start, I asked you for signs, and to stop us from doing this if you thought it shouldn’t be. Everything pointed in the direction that we should do this.

So what is the purpose of this blog. I guess we are scrambling for anything that will give us purpose during these times we hoped we would never have to experience. For anyone unfortunate to have to go through this as well, this blog is proof that we are still surviving and living, and the journey, though incredibly hard, is made better with the support of friends and family, support groups, readings and resources. Interestingly, in this busy world, and the pressure to “return” to normal, and though we are so close to each other, we don’t explicitly speak of how we feel. So within the three of us and others who have contributed, I have come to realise that the blog helps us understand what the other is thinking. No- we are not back to normal. And we will never be. Our lives are now in 2 phases, before you died, and after you died.

And perhaps most importantly, the blog helps us to keep you alive. One of the few ways we know how to. There will never be a day we won’t think of you. But this helps us to remember all the things you did, and as many of the experiences you went through, both good and bad. We don’t want to forget any of it.

On the sadder days, I hope this blog will give US comfort, keeping you closer to us. It is sad, but it also gives us joy and hope. Joy for the 20 years you were on this earth, as hard as many of them were for you and sometimes for us. And hope for when we will eventually see you again.

Love you my darling,

Mum