I Swear You Will Be Fine

For around 90 days after you passed, I had been having dreams about you nightly. Of course, not all of them are pleasant. In some of the more pleasant dreams, I dream that you’re still with us, and we’re spending a normal day at home with the dogs. I dream of going on little adventures with you – to school, to run errands like we used to… there was even a dream where we managed to make that trip to Australia you were so excited about. Then there are the not-so-pleasant dreams. Dreams that you were texting me, telling me you were about to leave this Earth, and I was stuck in Japan with no way of stopping you. In some dreams, I know that you’re not on Earth anymore. In some dreams, I think it’s real life until I wake up and realize it was just a dream, and that reality is a nightmare. In some dreams, I realize halfway through that you’re leaving soon, and I can’t stop you so I’m forced to just enjoy your presence knowing that it’s going to come to an end.

Recently, I’ve been having fewer dreams about you. They don’t happen nightly anymore. I wake up confused, wondering if I saw you the previous night. If I managed to catch a glimpse of you, or if we had an adventure that somehow slipped my mind in the morning. Good or bad, I realize I need the dreams of you to keep going. I realize that whenever I wake up from dreaming about you, my day is spent replaying the dream in my head, and time passes faster. I find myself looking forward to falling asleep, even if I struggle with it.

About a week ago, the 6^th of April, was our “monthsary”. And I had a dream about you that night. The dream was really nice and had an interesting concept that I wish was real. Do you know the song “Visiting Hours” by Ed Sheeran? In the song, Sheeran sings about wishing that Heaven had visiting hours. My dream was something like that. I had walked into your room, and you were sitting on your bed like you were waiting for someone’s arrival. You were dressed in a white long-sleeved top with white bottoms. In this dream, I know that you’re not here anymore, so I was really surprised to see you. I remember running over and hugging you so tightly you almost fell over. You were laughing and let me hug for you the longest time before I asked you what you were doing here. You explained that you were here to visit, and that every month, you get to come down to Earth for 24 hours. Upon further explanation, you said that I get to choose the date you visit me. I told you I wanted the 6^th of every month because that’s our date, and you agreed. You were smiling and there was something different about you – something happier. Not that you weren’t happy here, but you seemed lighter. As if there was no weight on your shoulders, and you were truly, fully, happy. I asked you if you get to visit your family too, and you nodded, telling me that each person in your family gets to choose a date and you’ll spend 24 hours with them. We continued talking and laughing together, and I told you I’m not letting you out of my sight for my 24 hours. I can still remember the look on your face, your laughter, your smile. I remember thinking: I can live like this. If I get to see you for one day every month, I could actually keep living with this sorrow and ache. Everything will be worth it for the 6^th of every month. In this dream, I remember making a mental note to take more photos and videos of you, so that I’ll have something to look back on after you’re gone. Then I woke up, and realized that it was all a dream. And life does not work like that.

It gets really difficult, when I think about the videos and photos we never got to take. We laughed a lot and had so many silly moments that were not caught on camera. Sometimes I tell myself “It’s okay, I’ll take it next time” – but there isn’t a next time. I think that’s what I struggle with the most, that there isn’t a next time, not for possibly a few more decades.

I guess I have to be patient and wait to see you again. I know that at the end of all of this, the light will be worth the wait (like the poster in your room) and meeting you again will be worth the wait.

Until then, I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha