I Swear You Will Be Fine

We were looking through some photos of you as a toddler. You were the cutest child. Pink, plump cheeks with big, bright eyes. I remember taking you out to the shopping centres in Singapore and the salesgirls would tell me not to leave you alone or someone would kidnap you.

Often you would have apple juice in your bottle as we were getting ready for work and school. It was your favourite, and you would finish it in minutes. I remember this one morning when you were just over a year old, the bottle was still full and you were just playing with it. I kept trying to force it on you, but you kept pushing it away. And so I left it. A few minutes later, I saw an empty beer can in the bin. I asked our then helper Surya, and she said she poured it into your bottle and gave it to you. She thought it was apple juice!

So you had your first taste of alcohol when you were about 12 months old. Super bad parenting!

Years later, our family went through a lot of problems, one of the reasons being alcohol. I often wonder if there was something I could have done to prevent the trauma you were exposed to. Could all of this have been prevented? Would the BPD have still surfaced? We will never know. The regrets continue to plague me, even on the good days.

When you finally tried alcohol, you were always extremely careful, rarely drinking when you were finally of legal age. And always in total control when you did. Ammamma was worried when you first started drinking, understandably. But you proved us all wrong. We had nothing to worry about in this area. For a teenager, I am so proud that you had such resilience and control, something many people older than you did not have.

I know late November last year, you decided to completely stop drinking alcohol (you were hardly drinking anyway). Last Christmas Eve, when the prosecco was brought out and Patta couldn’t open the bottle, you took over, and swiftly managed to open it. We have a precious video of that. You refused to take even a sip. This is a testament to your unbelievable commitment and resilience to constantly improving yourself, and also to your love for Sha. We have so much to learn from you.

You were always an amazing child!

Love you darling,

Mum