I Swear You Will Be Fine

Tough weekend- our first Easter weekend without you.

The worst tragedy one can imagine- losing your child. But in the midst of all this, there is still much to be grateful for in how this tragedy unfolded, especially those first 48 hours.

I am grateful that the intense anxiety that something bad had happened was short-lived. Somehow you or God or the universe cushioned the blow. The time from the warning text message from Sha till when I found you was less than 20 seconds.

I am grateful that the way you passed was as minimally traumatic as possible. Though it will always be etched in my mind, it was not in the least horrible. And you looked so peaceful.

I am grateful that I was still in some level of control, being able to do what I needed to do then, and calling 995, Ammamma and Jess.

I am super grateful that you did not physically suffer. Like not at all. That gives me much solace and comfort.

I am grateful that Jess and Mama and other close family and friends were here. Whether this was planned by you so we will have support or not, it was super important. They were able to take over the informing of relatives and friends, and much of the funeral.

I am grateful for Tun being there to grieve with us, and for being with you, when we couldn’t bear it.

I am grateful for my best friends who stepped in as if it was their own family, calming me and holding my hand every step of the way. So many are now as close to, if not closer than family. I would have never survived this without them. And they continue to help me continue to live this life.

I am grateful for the many colleagues who both came to the wake and funeral, and continue to be as supportive as possible, excusing the sudden onset of tears during meetings and seeing patients.

I am grateful for the funeral directors, who were most compassionate, and somehow managed to help me make some of the most difficult decisions and get us through the worst days of our lives.

I am grateful for my cousins (now as close as sisters), relatives and friends from overseas, who dropped everything to be here for us, taking turns to give us their presence in the first few months. So many of you continue to check up on us and help in any way you can.

I am grateful for your friends Josh, who though devastated, shared our pain of losing you, and continue to share in this pain.

I am grateful that Sha is in our lives. Thank you Josh for introducing her to us. It is like a piece of you has been left behind. She provides much comfort to us though she is grieving just as badly and sometimes, worse.

And most of all, I am grateful to you Josh. The last 10 years must have been so, so hard. Through our grief, we are experiencing just a drop of what you were going through. Thank you for sticking around for as long as you did, though it must have been torturous. Thank you for still giving us so many good memories, even though you were suffering. You parted with all of us on a good note. The last messages, words and calls to all who were closest to you were all loving, with no arguments or fights.

A tiktok video I watched over the weekend (yes, I have finally resumed watching tiktok), showed a young father burying his 2 month old infant. In the video he says he is grateful that he had 2 months with his son, because there are many who did not even get that much. 

So today, I am trying my best to be grateful for the 20 years 5 months and 6 days I got to be your Mum. I know most families would not have to deal with this type of loss, but there are also many who have had to, and perhaps worse.

Love you my darling.

Mum