I Swear You Will Be Fine

I have never considered myself to be a lucky person. I told my friends this too, it’s something I’ve believed for a long time. In fancy restaurants, I’ll somehow find hair in my food. If we ate seedless grapes, the ones I picked would somehow have seeds in them (this happened with you, which you found unbelievable and hilarious). I could walk on a smooth road and still manage to trip over my own feet. I almost never get what I want in blind boxes.

But since meeting you, I figured out why I’ve been so unlucky – I must have used up all my luck finding you. How lucky must I be to have found my person in this lifetime?

Some people spend their whole lives searching for the right person, and I found mine so quickly. Everything with us came so easily. We get along effortlessly, conversations never run dry, we live just five minutes away, we were even in the same preschool (seriously, how often does something like that happen? We have so many more “coincidences”). It was so easy to love you. Being loved by you made me feel so lucky too. I used to question if I had hallucinated you because it all felt too good to be true – I’d tell you this, and you’d burst out laughing and jokingly pinch me to prove that you were real. Sometimes I think, maybe we were too good to be true.

As sad as what happened is, I do still feel lucky. I feel so lucky to be your girlfriend. Out of the many girls that were smitten by you (there were many!), I was lucky enough to be chosen. I am so lucky to have a boyfriend who is smart, kind, handsome, loving… you are all the nicest words I can and can’t think of. I am so lucky to have someone who makes me feel safe and loved, who inspires me to be a better person. A lot of us think we’re terrible people sometimes, and I used to as well. But I started to think, if you love me, I must be quite alright. I know I’m not the smartest or the prettiest girl in the world, but you make me feel like I am – and how lucky am I to have someone who’s always in my corner, cheering for my every move? I am so lucky I have a love that helps me understand why the poets write about love. It’s like that Winnie-the-Pooh quote – “How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” – I am so lucky to have a love like this, a love that continues to grow even when we are not able to communicate the way normal relationships do. You give me so much, even from afar, that no words or sentences I string together could ever accurately encapsulate what we have and are.

I am also so lucky that you have a beautiful, kind, and loving family. I might have met more of your family members without your physical presence than with, and everyone has been nothing short of kind and sweet. Every person I have met showed so much love for you and it’s truly through my interactions with them that I can see why you are the person you are. They all carry a piece of you, and I am so lucky your family chooses to have me around. I will always be grateful.

Jess wrote something in her post a few days ago that’s stayed with me. She wrote that death is no longer scary to us. I guess I can consider myself lucky to no longer be afraid of death. Death is supposed to be this terrifying thing we all actively try to avoid, something we fear will approach our loved ones. But how lucky am I that, for me, death is merely a bridge to cross. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that we will stop doing our best here on Earth for you or not make you proud, but we are just no longer afraid of dying. Remember how we’d play two-player cooperative games, and you’d complete the stage before me (because I’d struggle multiple times to get across a simple platform) and you’d just patiently wait for my arrival? Death is merely the next stage of a game that you once again completed before me. You were always faster than me anyway, at studying, at the games we play… you’d always want to be first in everything – which was great for my competitiveness because I finally met someone who was equally competitive (but we still cheered for each other’s success). And just like always, you’ve reached the next stage first, and you’re patiently waiting for me to join you.

For those who will be around when I die: don’t cry for me, don’t be sad that I’ve left this Earth. Instead, celebrate that I have finally made it to the next stage and get to see my boyfriend again. I will go in a nice dress with a happy smile and a content heart. How lucky am I, that my funeral will be a party instead of a mourning?

As always, I can’t wait to see you again and I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha