I Swear You Will Be Fine

Suicidal thoughts. Another difficult topic. What causes it? Why are some inflicted with it? And why are others not?

Since your passing, I have been constantly reading books on grief and suicide. Alliance of Hope and The Compassionate Friends (TCF) are some of our best friends and do amazing work. The stories are heartbreaking, with children as young as 9 years taking their lives.

You started talking about suicide from a very young age. Initially, it felt like they were threats. I remember asking your psychologist at the time, if you were serious. And she said, even if you weren’t, this was a problem. Incidentally, your first suicide threat wanting me to divorce Dad was for 31^st December 2015. Who knew you would succeed exactly 9 years later.

Over the years, I know you battled with these thoughts many, many times. Some of them we knew about, and clearly, many, we didn’t. I can’t imagine how painful this must have been for you. I know you were constantly thinking of us, your family, and your friends. How I wish there was something we could have done for you. Like Sha and I once discussed, I wish we could have hugged the sadness away from you.

I read this on TCF recently. 

“Death from suicide illness is not a choice, anymore than death by cancer is. By the time the biomechanical body is removed, inner death had long ago occurred. To believe that a choice is made, implies that the sufferer is whole and in charge. Suicide illness erodes from the inside out, and the sufferer has been heroically trying to impersonate who they vaguely remember they once were- in order to spare their loved ones. It is not the sufferer’s fault and it is not the loved one’ fault.”

Despite how much you were suffering, you gave us so many precious moments those last few days.  If only there was something we could have done. The regrets will haunt us for the rest of our lives.

My darling, I am so happy you are no longer suffering from these most awful thoughts. In all our dreams and when we think of you, you look “lighter” and happier. For this, we are comforted and will try to continue living.

Love you darling,

Mum