I Swear You Will Be Fine

I’m not sure when I miss Josh most, but I suspect it’s when I’m home. It starts at the airport – I look for a tall brown boy with curly hair using his phone. I wait for him to give me a one-armed hug and then take my suitcase while I walk with my Mum. I say thanks when he puts my luggage in the car, gives me the front seat and let me control the music (only because I’ve just come back).

I miss when we come home and the dogs aren’t sure if they should say hi to the absent one (me) or the favourite one (Josh) first. I miss when he asks my mum if he can go to his room and if I want to go to the gym with him later. I miss when he pops out to say hi when my grandparents come home to see us. I miss trying to get him to look up to wave to me when he walks the dogs.

Above all, I miss him at night. Whether in England or Singapore, I miss him the most before I fall asleep. I wait to see the bathroom light turn on and hear my door open, followed by ‘Night Jess, love you’. So I watch tiktok or take a melatonin so that my eyes droop and I have no choice but to fall asleep, regardless of how much I miss you.

I miss who we used to be with Josh. None of us look the same or behave the same, because we aren’t. Sometimes, I think you can see glimpses of how happy we used to be. But it feels like we’re constantly on cruise control – waking, eating, working, sleeping. But again, as my Mum says,”It’s not meant to be easy”.

I know it could be worse. I don’t have Josh to say goodnight to me anymore, but I have my Mum who said I could sleep in her room whenever I needed. Or my helper who offered to sleep outside my room or next to me in mine. Or my grandparents, who would gladly let me move in to their house.

But I’m semi-convinced Josh is trying to make it ok for me to sleep at home via his dogs. Cadbury has to sleep with a paw or his back touching me, while Knight is at the foot of my bed. Yes, all my things are constantly covered in dog fur, but the dogs would never sleep peacefully with me before. They’ve only done it after Josh passed. Maybe it’s because I have the most similar genetic makeup to him. It’s never going to be the same as Josh wishing me goodnight, but it’s as close as it gets.

I will always miss him, but all these people/canines make it hurt a bit less.