I Swear You Will Be Fine

I miss falling in love with you. I know we were in love throughout our relationship, and I would say we are still in love now because we never fell out of love. But I miss the falling part. I miss the early days of walking dates with you, the politeness and formality of our texts, the slight uncertainty if we wanted to talk to each other. I find us absolutely adorable in our early days, and this is something we laughed about too. It was quite obvious that we liked each other, but neither of us were certain enough to make the first move. Until you did, twice, with our walking dates that were months apart. But even then, I think we were still unsure if it was a “date” date. But I really miss the falling in love part.

I miss not knowing when you’d text me. I miss randomly receiving your text and being excited to reply because I was so sure you’d have something interesting to say. We never played games with each other like the current dating generation does – we didn’t manipulate, cheat, deceive, et cetera. I’ve had friends who I would text frequently – but not as frequent as we’d text – and they never really had much to say, if that makes sense. We had things to talk about, but sometimes you could feel that it was forced, or it was just superficial things. When we started dating, you’d call these friends of mine “medium friends”. It was never like that with you. Everything was so easy and smooth. We said what was on our minds (except that we liked each other, that came much later), and every topic you brought up I was genuinely interested in. I didn’t have to fake a laugh. You definitely wouldn’t have faked your laughter too. We could just go back and forth for hours – and we did. We somehow understood each other without needing to clarify, sometimes without even needing to speak. You’d give me a look, and I’d know exactly what you mean.

As I write this, I realize we were like this for the entirety of our relationship. We’d be excited to receive each other’s texts, excited to see each other though we just saw each other eight hours ago, excited to spend the day together though we spent everyday together, excited to go on more walking dates but now with two little beings who poop and pee everywhere so it’s funnier and less romantic… We were always in love, but the falling part was accompanied by a lot more suspense. When we officially got together, it was all the excitedness and no suspense. I no longer worried if you wanted to receive my texts, no longer wondered if you’d ask me on another date, if I embarrassed myself around you (we both did, it was great)…

I miss falling in love with you, but I don’t know if you miss it as much as I do. I think you liked the comfort we had with each other after everything was certain. I think you didn’t enjoy wondering if I liked you as much as you enjoy knowing I love you. Which is completely fair because now I think I miss it all – the falling, the in love, and everythign else.

I also miss teasing you. It was our thing and it was hilarious. I liked “complaining” to people about you. I remember there was once you assumed my brother’s doctor was a man, and I told you I’d tell your mum you think all doctors are men. And you said, “NO, WHAT? MY MOTHER IS A DOCTOR, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?” When she came home, I wanted to keep teasing you so I really did tell her and she very politely laughed at us (I barely knew her then, so she must have thought “what a weird girl”). I watched as you jokingly panicked and tried to explain that that was not what you meant.

There was another time we were booking a car home because it was raining. You tried to get one from your usual app but couldn’t, and I managed to get one from another app called “TADA”. It was a split second decision to tease you, really. I looked up at your unsuspecting face, and thought “game on”. So, I told you that all “TADA” drivers say “TAAADAAAAA” very enthusiastically at the start of every ride, so you have to brace yourself because it gets awkward. At first, you didn’t believe me. You knew how absurd that sounded but I doubled down, and eventually you did. You even started questioning it. “Why would they make the drivers do that that’s so awkward for everyone” “What do you usually say when they do that?” I even told you that they’d do “jazz hands” as they said “TAAAADAAAA”. Honestly, how did you believe this? When the car arrived, I looked at you and said, “okay prepare yourself, yeah” and you said, “oh —-, okay yeah” with a serious expression (I don’t know how I held my laughter in, I can picture your stern face). We got in the car; driver didn’t even greet us before he started driving. I turned to look at your face and burst out laughing. You were like, “NO —— WAY. I knew you were doing it again!!! I can’t believe it I fell for it omg…” I did a lot of these little teases and you started doing it to me too. Another one of our inside jokes.

I miss falling in love with you, but I know that we’re still in love. Even though you’re not physically here, I still feel it. I feel it when I see angel numbers, our numbers, a feather on the ground, the names we were going to name our children, a heart-shaped leaf, your name… You’re not physically here anymore, but I remain in love with you through our memories and the signs you keep sending us.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha