I Swear You Will Be Fine

Tomorrow will be our one-year anniversary. Happy First Anniversary, Josh! At around 9 p.m. tomorrow, we will have been together for exactly one year. Why 9 p.m.? Because on the 6^th of August 2024 at 7 p.m., we had an exam that was supposed to end at 9. You and I finished early, came out at the one-hour mark, and sat in a nearby classroom waiting for the rest of our friends. We had agreed not to get picked up by our families and wanted to take the longer route back home together. Although you didn’t formally ask me to be your girlfriend then, that was the day things definitely felt more “couple-ly” between us. Why? That will be a secret I’ll keep between us. This year, we’ll have an exam two days after our anniversary. So, if you were on Earth tomorrow, we would probably be studying for our exam instead of celebrating our anniversary. The celebration would likely be over the weekend or the day after, once our exams are done. How fitting it for us, two people who enjoy exams, to have started dating in the midst of exam season!

Since this is an anniversary post, I thought of writing about what we would have been doing, and the gifts I prepared for you. Of course, like your birthday, I would have prepared more gifts if you were physically here. Some gifts are best kept a secret between us, so it wouldn’t have been as fun to buy or make them without you physically here. But it’s alright, I’ll do all of that next time. I’m sure you’d get a kick out of what I have planned. I might save writing about your gifts for next time too.

Today, I think I’ll write about all the little things I didn’t know I’d miss – things I also didn’t know there’d be so many of.

First, I miss receiving your text notifications on my watch – watching the little icon, your Telegram display picture, pop up with the contact name we chose together. Every time I feel a little vibration on my watch, I picture that image and wish it were real.

I miss checking your location on Find My to see if we were nearing each other as I walked to your place. I would text you to say that I was on my way, and you’d leave to meet me in the middle. Sometimes I’d track your location while walking to see how close we are to meeting. I can picture you taking your Airpods out the moment you see me. I’d start (kind of) jogging toward you, and you’d (actually) jog toward me. We’d hug and laugh and walk to your place with a little bounce in my step. 100% of the time, we are chatting away – somehow always finding something to talk about.  

I miss the sound of the static inference buzzing from my phone when we fall asleep while on call. I’d place my phone on the pillow beside me, and the low hum of the static inference would drone on all night long. It became my version of white noise. Falling asleep with you on the line helped me sleep faster and better. Sometimes I’d hear you snore lightly or mumble in your sleep – whenever that happened, I’d be very excited to tell you about it the next morning, and you’d be jokingly embarrassed.

I miss hearing you mumble to yourself while studying. You’d be a few feet away, intensely focused on the ceiling. I could never make out what you were saying because you mumbled so inaudibly, but I loved watching you. It was like I could see the gears turning in your head. At times, you’d catch me staring at you and say, “Hm?” and I’d just shake my head and smile. You’d smile back at me, then continue mumbling away. These study sessions usually went on for about thirty minutes before you’d ask, “Shall we take a break?”

I miss the sound of you wheeling your chair to the piano. The soft sound of the wheels rolling on your floor – I can still hear it and see you doing that. You’d sometimes ask me what you should play, I’d suggest something, and you’d give me a face before playing something else.

I miss hearing you say “Cadbury, come” and the sound of the little doggie’s paws tapping as he runs to you. He’d always be so excited whenever you called his name. I also miss hearing, “Knight, sit. Knight, sit, boy.” – always twice, because Knight rarely sits on the first command. I miss the sound of you scooping their food and putting it into their bowls.

This last one is unusual – something I never thought I’d miss, but I do. I miss walking to school under the hot sun for 15 minutes every morning. We’d take your route to school and get off the bus especially early just to, I quote you, “get our steps in every morning”. The first time we did it, I squinted so hard because the sun’s hostility made it impossible to open my eyes. You’d laugh at me for complaining about the heat. I’d complain anyway, and we’d be walking the same route again the next day. That’s also why I started carrying an umbrella and mini fan – to walk those 15 mins in the hot, hot sun with you. You’d be surprised that I miss it now… what I would do to walk 15 minutes in the hot sun with you again.

It’s funny. All the little things that didn’t really matter because they were so little suddenly matter so much now.
The static interference? Thought I’d be hearing that every night until we lived together.
The sound of your chair wheeling around? Thought I’d hear that for the rest of my life.
Your voice calling the boys? Thought I’d hear that forever too, but with different names eventually.
All those little things I never thought I’d ever have to be without; I am suddenly without.

We both know I miss so much more than these little things. I guess I just have to wait a little while more to have all these little things again. In the meantime, I know I’ll keep missing them.

Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.
Once again: Happy Anniversary, Josh. I wish with everything in me, and all that I have, that you were here.

Love always,
Sha