I Swear You Will Be Fine

I’ve been struggling to keep my mind quiet enough to even finish a book. Now that exams are over and we’re having a break, I imagine how much harder it must have been for you. This week, I managed to spend time with your mom, sha, the boys and Tun and it is always so lovely to spend time with them. Your boys are demanding as usual – the look caddy would give me when i stop scratching his back and the little paw from knight in disbelief when i stop scratching his head. I also finally left your birthday present in your room – think you would’ve loved it and we would have done our air hugs, sha giggling behind us.

Last week, i was also reminded with how different people were. And as i’m recounting my horrifying experience meeting someone who “checked off on all my irks about stereotypes” (both sha and your mom having a good laugh about it, you’ve loved the story – your mom said this lady sounded like a female ver of IO W..omg). I’m sure this lady isn’t a bad person – if we defined bad people as people who have pilfered, robbed, stole, cheated, etc – morally questionable folks. I’m sure she is just clueless, maybe even ignorant, but she wasn’t a bad person. According to her, given that she as “so many friends” and how she “helped someone find his way back, and how proud she was of him”, in her mind and maybe people around her, she is probably a good person. But everything she said and did managed to drive me insane with disbelief about how someone like her is allowed more time to exist than someone like you.

And this week, I saw my therapist for the third time since i started with him. I managed through most of the session without crying – that’s a win right? The last time round we talked about friendships, he actually asked me if i had difficulties maintaining long, meaningful friendships. Initially, i said no, because i think about my two friends – J and D – who i’ve known since we were 6 and 5, but as i reflected again during the month-gap, i came back to this topic with him again as we talked about the void you’ve left in so many of us. He suggested that i probably had different levels of friendships within my schemas – from shallow to deep. People who you can endure for social obligations to those you would trade a lifetime of chatter for 1 more deep conversation. Honestly, i dont even think we had such deep conversations but level 3 folks embody two important criteria – a reciprocal relationship and aligned worldviews. I agreed that both you and sha are in that level (that’s it – maxed out, broskis). When we came to that conclusion, i asked him – what do i do now? nothing right? cos i doubt that i will be so lucky again. He said just let things be, and i dont have to try and find anyone else – and i agreed cos the world may be full of “good people”, but it sure isn’t full of people like you.

“Lynnda”