I Swear You Will Be Fine

“The days are long but the years are short” is a common quote used often in the context of raising children. I’ve heard this a couple of times in my life and felt it too when I saw the children I taught growing up and reaching new, mini milestones. As weird as it might sound, I thought about this quote today, though I’m tweaking the quote a little to “the days are long but the months are short”. It’s now the start of September, eight months since you left for Heaven, and although the days are terribly long, it feels like I blinked and it’s been eight months. I can’t tell if that’s a good or bad thing. I guess, both – good because I’m now eight months closer to seeing you again, and bad because it’s been eight months since I last saw you. That still doesn’t get any easier to think about. Most of the time, I think of you positively – I think that you’re still here so it’s alright; I think that you’re happier now so it’s alright; I think that we’ll see you again so it’s alright. Sometimes, though, I’m still in disbelief that this has happened, but I guess that’s a post for another day.

In these eight months, I have, very unwillingly, crossed several mini milestones – though I believe you were always with me. I went to school. I started learning driving, for us, because that was something you were in the midst of doing (you actually had a lesson on the 31^st that was cancelled due to the rain, right? Sometimes I think you’d have made it past the 31^st if you had gone for that lesson. Before I left for Japan, you were excitedly telling me that you’d try to get your license by the time I come back so that we can take night drives and you can pick me up from outings with my friends.) I started tutoring part-time. I’m doing external research projects. I go for Pilates. As sad as it is, I know that this is how life will be from now on. We will inevitably cross new mini milestones without your physical presence. I thought I’d have gotten used to it by now, but I’m starting my internship tomorrow (well, today because this goes up on the 2^nd) and I feel…sad. I know this is a lame thing to be sad about; we have gone through the absolute worst so this is actually nothing in comparison. Besides, like I just listed, I’ve crossed several mini milestones in these eight months. So why is this making me especially sad?

Last year, we talked about this. We were planning our subjects together for 2025 and I went along with most of your choices because I’ve always been quite indifferent about things like that. I agreed to all of your selections except for this one. We had to choose to do either the internship or the applied project. You were leaning towards the applied psychology project, but because I was in the midst of another external research project, I said I didn’t want to do it. I had various reasons for not wanting to do it, but encouraged you to take it since research was a career path you were considering and the project would look good on your résumé. We discussed and agreed for me to take the internship, and for you to do the project as you had several other subjects to complete too – so overall, this arrangement made the most sense. You added that it’s unlikely for us to be interning in the same clinic too, which finalized our decision. We started discussing how 2025 would look for us, and our paths for 2026. We were both hoping to begin our Honors year at the same time, and as I was going to graduate a trimester before you, you suggested for me to carry on the internship until we could both do our Honors year together. I remember thinking about how scary it was to plan the future, especially with so many uncertainties (like, would we do well enough academically…), but I knew that I’d never have to go through it alone. A day at my internship could go horribly, but I’d still come home to dinner with you. Life could be bad, but it’ll never actually be bad as long as I’m with you – and I’m sure you thought the same too. I always thought that no matter how scary life could be, it’ll always be significantly less scary to do it with you. You magically made me feel excited thinking about the future when it was something I always feared.

I guess I still just struggle to grasp how much life has changed in such a short amount of time. We were supposed to be doing these things together. I was supposed to text you on my way to the clinic, text you during my lunch breaks, rush home to see you and whine about my day. I was supposed to be discussing assignments and “spilling tea” about my colleagues with you. I guess I can still do all of that… I just have to wait a little while longer for your response. No matter how much I wish life could stop so that no changes take place without your physical presence, it won’t. I have to just put one foot in front of the other, and try my best to make you proud. I was always braver facing life with the knowledge that you were right beside me, so I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I really hope you’ll still be with me every step of the way.  

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha