I Swear You Will Be Fine

The day I returned home from my 12 week scan when I was pregnant with you, I got a call from a friend who asked if I knew your gender. When I told her you were a boy, her reply to me was, “you’re so lucky- you always get everything you want”. I remember this so vividly.

Hours after you died, when Ammamma, Patta and Mama were leaving our home, I said to Ammamma, “Everyone said I was so lucky. How is this lucky?”.

Jess and I have had many conversations about this. Sometimes it feels like there was a curse on us. How could such a tragic fate be upon all of us? You and us. After nearly 10 years of suffering, worry, and so much effort from all of us, and mostly from you- how did it end like this? The despondency is often so intense, it’s like what Shalini posted recently. We are all just waiting to die.

My thoughts vary from day to day. 

Some days I feel terribly unlucky. 

And some days I still feel lucky.

I feel lucky that we were and still are surrounded by so many who gave us comfort and try so very hard to ease this pain in any way possible.

I feel lucky that I have a job that still gives me joy and though often demanding, is helpful during my time of grief with the numerous distractions.

I feel lucky that Shalini is in our lives, and together with so many of your friends, we are able to grieve together and still talk about you.

I feel lucky (and this I didn’t know about myself), that I actually have immense strength. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would survive this. But I am. Surviving.

But most of all, I feel lucky that I was chosen to be your Mum. We are all lucky- I got to have a son, Jess got to have a brother, Ammamma and Patta got to have a grandson, your Aunts and Uncles got to have a nephew, and our close friends got to have you even closer than a godson. There are so many who will never get to experience this type of love.

I got to have a son. Yes, it was only for 20 years. But every second of that is more than what a lot of people got.

I hope you are proud of us Josh. We are living our lives with grace.

Love you darling,

Mum