I Swear You Will Be Fine

To understand more about my loss, you’ll need to understand a bit more about me. All my life, I’ve never been anyone’s favorite person. I grew up in a house that didn’t – and still doesn’t – recognize emotions. I was taught at a young age to suppress my emotions – suppress me – because “no one is really interested” and “no one really cares”. The simplest way to put it would be: If I died, my family would cry and say, “At least we still have our son”. If my brother died, my family would cry and say, “The world has ended because my son is gone” or maybe, they’d be dead right after. Don’t worry, I’m not exaggerating. My mother has actually told me that if my brother died, she would die too. Just between you and me, I think she’s forgotten she has a daughter. I was – and have been – alone my whole life.

Outside of my family, I’ve lived through experiences I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Everything that I’ve had to go through, I’ve gone through alone. And for a while, I convinced myself that I’m okay with that. I had grown so used to being alone that I didn’t realize it wasn’t my only option. “I’ve been alone for so long, I could do it forever” was what I’d tell myself. Now, I’m not saying all of this to play the victim. I know others might have struggled more than I have, but allow me to just share a little of my grievances, okay? Besides, it’s not a competition; no one is winning a prize for struggling more. I think people tend to forget that.

Anyway, I’ve come to terms with living like that. I was miserable, but I had already accepted that I would always be. My whole life I was told I wasn’t good enough, capable enough, or smart enough – never enough for anything. I think that’s another reason why my potential was limited – I was raised in a tiny box and didn’t know how big I could grow.

Then came Josh. How can I describe this? The easiest way to put it is: With Josh, gradually all of my fears vanished. I was suddenly smart enough, capable enough; I was enough. Josh cut open the box I had been living in and showed me the potential I had, the potential life we could have. I knew that life was still going to be hard, but I knew that I’d never have to go through it alone. I was finally someone’s favorite person. I finally had a favorite person. Turns out, I’m not as unlikable as I was made to feel… who would’ve thought! I got parts of myself back. I could be my true self. I would tell Josh it’s almost like he unlocked my brain and he’d laugh whenever I said this, but I believe it’s true. I started liking pink again. I didn’t try to straighten my hair. I wore whatever I wanted.

And then suddenly, I was alone again. I blinked and all of it disappeared. Misery greeted me like never before. I was back in my tiny box, confused and screaming, “No! No, wait! Come back!”. I’m back and I can’t get out. I’m back to where I never wanted to be. I am once again no one’s favorite person. I am once again, utterly alone.

I’m going to tell you all a little story now. I don’t think any of you really need it to understand what I’m saying, but humor me.

There was once a little girl who woke up in a desert all alone. At first, she was scared. She didn’t know what to do or how to survive alone. The little girl got up and walked. She walked and walked around the desert trying to find someone to talk to. And after a long time, she realized there was no one there and no one would come to rescue her. She was as alone as alone can be. She grew tired and hungry, but most of all, she was thirsty. She longed for relief, but didn’t know what that could be either… after all, she was deprived for such a long time. She’d spend her days wandering the desert, no longer looking for anyone. She became so used to being alone she almost enjoyed it. Until one day, she came across an oasis. Excited to see something new, she ran straight at it and for the first time in her life, felt the joy water could bring. For months on end, she stayed by the oasis, worried that it’d disappear if she left its side. One fine day, after she was sure the oasis wouldn’t just disappear – after all, it was beside her for months – she left for a short stroll. It happened in an instant. When she got back to where she was, it was gone. She could not believe it; she started to doubt that she ever had an oasis. Now that she knew what life was like with water, it was difficult to cope with not having it. Being thirsty was so much more awful than it was before. To long for something is so much worse than not knowing it exists. She was all alone again, after experiencing the possibility of what life could have been. I don’t know what happens after, I haven’t lived it yet.

They say that to be loved is to be seen, and Josh saw me like no one else. He helped me see myself too. The other day, I remembered an inside joke we have and thought of explaining it to his friends, but I realized none of them would get it (I wouldn’t be able to explain it well too so it’s not on them). Some things just can’t be explained – like our love, my loss, and life. As sad as it is to be alone and tired inside a tiny box again, I am grateful I got to taste water after wandering the desert. Wouldn’t trade us for anything.

And though I used past tense in this writing, I hope it’s known that Josh is, and will always, be my favorite person. I just hope I’m still his too (with the addition of his family and friends, of course).

To Joshua: Thank you for being my oasis. I love you more, always, and forever. I can’t wait to see you again. (I switched it up!! This is another joke only you would get…)

Love always,
Sha