I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Passive suicidal ideation refers to a state in which a person thinks about death and wishes it would happen without planning to end their own life. That is where I’m at right now. I’ve said this multiple times and I am quite open with this. I think I wrote something along the lines of “If I find out tomorrow that I’m dying, I’d throw a massive party to celebrate”. But alas, I’ve yet to chance upon such luck.

It’s not that I couldn’t die on my own accord, or that I’m afraid of death. I just think you would be really disappointed to see me die because of me. Jess was the one who told me this – that you’d be disappointed if we came after you, which changed my mindset. So, if I can’t seek death, I shall just wait for it. Everything else I do while waiting – studying, achieving, trying – is just to make you proud of me and kill time. There’s no other way around this. I haven’t been excited to live since you passed. But this passive suicidal ideation that I feel is not at all your fault. If anything, you made it passive not active. In a way, you (or Jess) saved a life here.

In another letter I wrote, I said, “We’re so lucky to no longer be afraid of death.” And I still stand by that line. How many people get excited at the possibility of death? That explains many of my actions. Passive suicidal ideation explains why I jaywalk, why I don’t wear a seatbelt in the car, why I can’t wait to fall really sick, and why I don’t mind going to Italy. You’re going to need some context for the last one, I know. The short story is, I am likely still going to Italy at the end of this year, and I just found out that they are experiencing medium-to-high levels of terrorist threats. Imagine how excited I was to read that! Though, if I am lucky enough for that to befall me, I hope no one else in the world gets hurt. Maybe I just need to get stabbed or something (sorry for the disturbing thought).

Two nights ago, I had a dream that I got into a car accident with my family. For more context (in case you forgot that we had a conversation about this at the train station), I lucid dream every night – so not only do I remember all my dreams, I can also control them at times. In this dream, I was in the front seat and my mother was driving. Somehow, we slid backwards down a short cliff and I broke two of my ribs, shattered my left knee, and snapped my left arm. While falling, I remember wondering if I should quickly wear my seatbelt to increase my chances of survival, but decided against it. In that moment, where I thought I might experience death, I was only afraid it would be painful. Unfortunately, this was just a dream, and I didn’t even get to die – just sustained terrible injuries. I was disappointed in my dream too. What a bummer.

There’s a song I’ve been listening to that kind of describes this feeling. It’s titled, “we hug now” by Sydney Rose (Sydney like where you were born, and Rose like one of your favorite flowers! A sign? Maybe). The song may not be meant for our circumstances, but here’s the song with lyrics:  

There are quite a few lines I relate to, but the ones that make me the saddest are:
“I have a feeling you got everything you wanted
And you’re not wasting time stuck here like me
You’re just thinking it’s a small thing that happened
The world ended when it happened to me”

I think the lyrics speak for themselves, so I won’t elaborate. But this song never fails to make me emotional.

I understand how privileged I sound. I know there are people all over the world who would trade for a life like mine. So… let’s trade. I’d love to trade too. I’ll take the illness; I’ll gladly volunteer to swap lives with a child who is sick – let me swap with all of them if I can.

I apologize for the morbid letter. I don’t think you would be too happy that I’m thinking like this, but I can’t help it. I am waiting to die, even if I don’t verbalize it.

This whole letter is one gigantic “I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” But in the passiveness instead of activeness, I am saying, “I love you more, always, and forever” and that’s why I’m still here.

Love always,
Sha