I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I think you kind of predicted that I’d write about this, right? I’d be surprised if you’re surprised to read about this. A few days ago, I attended “my children’s” graduation ceremony. I say “my children” but really, they obviously aren’t. I’m aware of that – not crazy, don’t worry; I just got used to calling them that when I was teaching them. Anyway, I was well aware of the fact that they aren’t mine as I sat in the audience of the auditorium. I took many photos and videos of every child that was “mine” and sent the pictures and videos to their respective parents after the ceremony. I was very lucky to have gone and got such a good seat – second row, right smack in the middle. The principal also gave a little shout-out to me in her opening speech. How sweet.

In my head, I told myself to “take it all in” as I watched the kids in their little graduation gowns because I knew that this is the first and last time I’d be sitting in the audience, watching “my children” graduate and perform. I know that you were watching them too. And in my head, I was also telling you about each child – “That girl, in the cute alien costume, I had her from when she was 18 months!”, “I used to pick out the little jellies out of bowls of green bean soups for that boy because he refused to eat the green beans!”, “That girl cried for three months straight when she entered my class, and would only calm down if I played a certain song.” The kids in my class were spoiled, but not rotten. I always believed (and still believe) in giving overflowing love. Kids will never negatively remember having too much love, but they will for having too little. I’m so glad you got to “meet” them. I think you would have really liked them. 

That day was also the day I met one of my groups of friends – the teachers and parents. As you know, I made friends with all of the parents whose children were in my class. We used to go out together after school and on the weekends too! I also wish you got to meet them. I think they’d be impressed by your intelligence. Surprisingly, I didn’t cry. I don’t know why I have this issue with crying in front of others. I think I have a valid reason to cry, but I just feel like I’d worry them if I do. Anyway, I did not cry when the kids walked on stage wearing their graduation gowns. I did not cry when taking pictures with them after. And I did not cry when I said goodbye, knowing that that may have been the last time I’d get to see some of them.

Do you know when I almost cried though? When I met the parent who bought me my ticket and she looked at me with a knowing smile before giving me the longest hug she’s ever given me. I almost cried when several other mummies gave me a sad, knowing look, and a long, comforting hug. I almost cried when the children who didn’t know I’d come, saw me from stage and couldn’t stop looking at me. I almost cried when a boy finished his line on stage and muttered, “Hi Teacher Sha!” while looking at me with the brightest smile. I almost cried when one of my closest teacher friends looked at me a little too long and nodded without saying anything. I almost cried when another few close teacher friends held my hand and squeezed it, gave me hugs that lasted too long, and told me things like, “You’ll always have us. You can always come back.” I was the youngest teacher in the school, and they were all so happy for me when I left to study. Sometimes I feel like I left to see the world and got beaten black and blue by life.

I also learnt many new things. For instance, I didn’t know that several kids left after I left. Goodness me… I felt so bad when I heard that. I would have stayed till they graduated if I could (though, if I did stay, I wouldn’t have met you yet. So, I am honestly still glad I left when I did). I also learnt that the Earth does indeed continue spinning and life does indeed continue to happen for everyone else. I realized that last year and this year had not necessarily been kind to others too. Some have lost their jobs, broken friendships, lost loved ones… Life happens to everyone. I was speaking to one of the parents who had also been beaten up by life, and after spilling their sadness, they said, “But that’s just life, right? I’m sure you know it too.” That was another point where I teared up. I really did know it.

Another fact I learnt – I might have been sad about the wrong group of friends. I found out that some of my teacher and parent friends created a group this year to update each other about how I was doing. They’d ask each other if any of them have had interactions with me or checked in on me lately. I heard that they’d excitedly text each other if I managed to reply one of them. I truly had no idea… Here I was, being a little upset that my longest group of friends had ignored me when I met up with them and cried at the dinner table earlier this year. I was a little sad that they had stopped texting me, sad that some had said “funny” things. I was also wondering where my other friend group went – they had texted me earlier this year to build Lego and stopped after I said I was not feeling good enough to meet yet. How could I have been so caught up by those who had left and missed those who are still silently here? How silly of me.

Overall, I’m really glad I went for the graduation. I gained more than just being able to watch “my children” graduate. I hope they all do well in life. I hope life is kind to them. If you can spare some extra time, it would be really nice if you could watch over them for me too.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha