I Swear You Will Be Fine

I haven’t been able to talk to you directly for a while now, josh. because there have been things that i dont think you would’ve agreed with, and also because i think i would’ve wanted your views and support on some of the other things. It’s been a sinking feeling – the kind that makes your chest tighten and the pits of your stomach churn – from feeling anxious, uncertain, undeserving then guilty and scared. These feelings had distracted me momentarily as we step into December. then i’m reminded again that part of those feelings are also because we are now in December.

as auntie, sha, jess all recount their memories, i’m reminded of the call i got from sha. i had hoped it was you two – my favs – calling me to tell me happy new year. but when i heard it was just her voice, my bravest girl, she managed to tell me what i never wanted to hear. amidst the people cheering and wishing each other happy new year, his friends coming over to want to celebrate, i was breaking down and trying to get away from everyone. i remember some words of comfort offered, but as i sat in the balcony to be alone – away from everyone – how i wish there were ways for me to tell them that it wasn’t just a friend i’ve lost but that they could know just what we’ve lost – you.

sinking feelings are weird – they come and go. sometimes they stick around for hours, day, sometimes they feel like they are the default. our bodies just get used to it then realise that relief has become the exception. i’m terrible at comforting people and i wish i can better support your dearest ones but i also know that you’re watching over them – please help them have relief become the norm, not the exception.