I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Where do I even begin? I guess you could have seen how mad I was a few nights ago. If you know me, and you do, you’d know that it takes a lot for me to get angry and I’ve never been angry at you – not even when you left me in this cruel world. But boy oh boy, was I angry a few nights ago! My gosh! I love your sense of humour, and you said that my sense of humour was what drew you to me in the first place, but what in the actual bleep were you thinking, sending me a fly right before I was about to fall asleep, on a work night??? Alright, now that the last of my anger has dissipated, let me start from the beginning.

A few days ago, your mum wrote about a fly in her office, and I thought it was cute. When we texted each other, I told her that that was also one of my favourite episodes from “Breaking Bad”, that you were so funny for giving her a fly, and that it meant you’re still with her. Though, this part you might have missed, because my last line in that text was, “I hope signs like that don’t come to me though.” You must have missed that line!

Lately I’ve been struggling to fall asleep. So, my routine is to watch an episode of some crime documentary until I feel tired enough to go to bed. Last night, at 1230am, right as I had exhausted myself enough and finally turned off the lights, texted “goodnight” to you, ready to sleep, I hear a buzz right at my ear. Again, if you know me, you’d know that I absolutely cannot stand the sound of buzzing right at my ear and whenever mosquitoes do that, I make it my mission to hunt them down. Well, I got up, turned the lights back on and see absolutely nothing. I sit on my bed for awhile, on high alert, and the buzzing came right by my ear again. And guess what? It’s a fly…in my room…a few days after your mum got her fly. For context, I have never had flies in my room. I’ve had mosquitoes, spiders I keep as pets, and the occasional lizard or cockroach that I also don’t enjoy. But I never get flies in my room because I rarely eat in my room. This has never happened in the years that I’ve lived in my house – not only a fly, but one right before I sleep. Not only a fly, but a fly a few days after I tell your mum you’re so funny and I wouldn’t like a sign like that.

Anyway, I got up, determined to exterminate this fly before I fall asleep because I would not be able to if I heard a buzzing every few minutes. I got my insecticide and waited. I waited, for minutes and minutes, before I saw it on the pink octopus plushie Lynn got me. I crept over as silently as I could, aware that I looked slightly insane, and sprayed it. You’d think that would have worked, right? Oh, no no no, this fly you sent, Josh, this fly has to be the strongest there is because it flew at lightning speed right after I sprayed the insecticide. At this point, it was nearly 1250am. I had spent 20 minutes trying to watch for this fly. Mind you, I had work the next day too, so the limited time I have to catch this fly before I lose more sleep and the thought of the minutes of sleep I’m missing was really stressing me out. Plus, I had absolutely no idea how to catch this thing.

Insecticide clearly didn’t work, so I got out a container in hopes that I could catch it and release it the next morning. Want to take a guess if that worked? Oh wait, you must have been very amused by my act that night, so you don’t really need to guess. Spoiler alert, it didn’t work. It was close to 1am, I was really, really sleepy, and the fly was still flying. I was so close to giving up, but I also knew that I would not be able to sleep if I kept the fly around. This was when I genuinely lost my sanity a little. I was on the verge of crying because I couldn’t get rid of this fly, and I was so helpless I started talking (more like, begging) to you. I went on a spiel about how we all suffered this year, asked you what I did wrong, begged for your help… And I think it was at this point that you decided to actually help me because I said, “Josh, please. I don’t know what I did wrong to deserve this right as I’m about to sleep (dramatic, in hindsight) but I’m really tired so if you’re here and you can help me, can you please make this fly land on my bed so that I can catch it?

To be fair, I think you were trying to help, so maybe I’m not really that angry. A second after I asked you to make it land on my bed, the fly landed on my bed. I thanked you and crept over with the container, but was not fast enough. I must have let out a grunt of frustration before asking you to do it again – make the fly land on my bed – and I swore not to miss it. And again, a minute later, the fly landed back on my bed. This time, I took a notebook and lifted it up, ready to slam it down on this little pest. And. It. Flies. Away. I was then standing in the middle of my room, tired and upset from this tiny thing that I can’t seem to deal with, and restarting my spiel about how tough life is. I know, very dramatic, but I was also very sleepy.

It was past 1am when I decided to give up. I wasn’t going to be able to catch it, so I had to just deal with it (life, right?). I sat on my bed and texted you to complain, as if the previous spiels were not enough. Before I turned the lights off, I looked towards my study table and see it sitting right there. You have got to be kidding me. I just know you were laughing. I gave up, turned off the lights, and tried to sleep with pillows around my ears. The fly was never caught, and I woke up multiple times in the night and barely got enough sleep.

I’m so sure that this entire battle I had made you laugh, which I’m happy for. I’m also glad that you gave me this sign. I mean, it sucks, but it also shows that you’re really still here and listening. But please, seriously, if you love me (yes, I’m pulling out this card, that’s how serious I am) DO NOT give me any more insects or creatures that I don’t like, please. Life is tough enough without having to deal with insects before bed.

Actually, now that I’m reflecting a little, I’m kind of torn between thinking “We’ve gone through so much, a little thing like that is nothing!” and “We’ve gone through so much, why do we still have to put up with things like that?” Most of the time, my mind rests on the former – I use that mindset to help me get through things I’m nervous about, like an interview, submitting an assignment, meeting relatives. But the latter crosses my mind sometimes – why do we still have to deal with a variety of petty issues (mostly from other people) when we’ve already been through so much? This is not being dramatic anymore, right? Surely, we deserve a break.

This is life… I guess. But, thank you again for the sign! Though, please please please try not to send me anymore creatures (unless they are the animals or insects I like, that I will really appreciate!). The other day a yellow butterfly fluttered around me after my exam. I really liked that! Made me feel like a Disney princess.

I can’t wait to see you again. Do you get flies in Heaven? Are they all peaceful and kind and don’t bother you before you’re about to sleep? I hope so. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha

*I took pictures of the fly because I also couldn’t believe that you sent me one so soon after you sent your mum one.