I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I have a lot of bad memories about these few days one year ago.

The Saturday before Christmas, Jess and I drove you to therapy. When you came back to the car, your face looked really bad. Jess and I commented to each other, but we didn’t say anything to you. You were silent the whole drive back, also, unfortunately quite common when your mood was bad. I was expecting a call from your therapist because you looked so bad. But it didn’t come.

Then 2 days later, on the 23^rd of December, I had booked a photo studio session. Ammamma, Patta and you had not been part of Jess’s graduation, so we wanted some pictures. Your mood was ok when we were getting ready, but as we drove to the studio, I could see you were plummeting. I dropped all of you at the studio and went to park the car. And then there was a message from your psychology centre, saying your therapist wanted to have a confidential chat with me. My heart sank. That could only mean one thing. You were a suicidal risk.

I didn’t say anything when I got back to the studio. But I was internally a mess. You didn’t look good. The session was taking a long time. And all I wanted was to quickly have this chat with your therapist. Despite you not being good, you sat with Jess and me and went through all the photos with us at the end of the session.

While I was driving everyone back, I casually mentioned that I had an online meeting at 2pm. But you were so sharp. You immediately said, “I thought you’re on leave today”. I fumbled with my answer saying a meeting had been scheduled.

At 2pm, I got on the call with your therapist. He said he had contemplated calling me over the last 2 days, but had spoken to your psychiatrist, and he had told him to call me. You had 2 dates in mind- the 26_^th of December and the 8^th of January, if you didn’t feel better. My heart sank deeper. When I asked him how you were going to do it, he said you had plans to take meds and alcohol. I foolishly said there wasn’t enough alcohol and meds in the house to do this. He casually mentioned a few other ways but didn’t seem too confident. When I asked him how concerned he was, he said you were high risk, but he still trusted you and felt he knew you well enough that you wouldn’t do it. We discussed hospitalisation, but we both agreed it would be too traumatic for you and you would lose your trust in all of us. So I said we would keep a close eye on you. You had also gotten his promise that he wouldn’t say anything to me because you wanted me to have one “last” good Christmas. So he was concerned about breaching your confidentiality. I said I would try my best to keep your confidence in him.

You and I then had our hardest conversation ever. I still remember when I walked into your room, you were getting ready to go to the gym. I said we needed to talk. And you said, “You were talking to M…”. I don’t remember the full details of the conversation. But you kept repeating, “I’m fine”, and I kept saying “No, you’re not fine”. I said I would do anything you wanted me to. And you could do anything you wanted to do. I also remember saying, “Please don’t put me through this. Losing a child is the worst thing anyone could possibly go through. Please, please, don’t do this”. I put my head against your shoulder and also said, “No matter how difficult it will be for me, I can’t follow you. I have to stay here for Jess”. A single tear trickled down your face. But you didn’t break down like you usually would. You kept repeating “I’m fine”, and begged me to let you go to the gym. I eventually let you go.

It was the hardest conversation we would ever have. And I knew I hadn’t gotten through to you. But I also didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry there was nothing I could say to make you feel better darling or to change your mind. And I’m sorry I didn’t understand how deep and painful your feelings were. I keep rewinding to those days and think of what I should have done. But I still don’t have answers. Perhaps, it really was an unsolvable situation.

Love Mum