I Swear You Will Be Fine

My darling Josh,

I would be lying if I didn’t think I didn’t have a good feeling that fateful day. But that was also not uncommon.

At work, I was irritable and anxious to finish seeing my patients. I was watching the clock waiting for you to wake up and answer my usual text, “Are you up?”. But strangely, you woke up even after Jess. And you didn’t reply to my text. I briefly spoke to you and you didn’t sound happy, but not sad either. The next few hours for me was spent running a few errands with Jess. There were a few text exchanges and you seemed fine, happy even. Tun would tell me later that you had tried on your winter jacket and you had asked her if you looked good in it. You were going to wear it when you went to meet up with Shalini in Tokyo a few days later and just after our trip to Hokkaido. When I got home at about 3pm, we spent a few minutes together booking a hotel in Tokyo. Somewhere convenient for you to meet with Shalini, and close to a mall so I would be able to walk around on my own. We were about to book the airport transfers when we both decided we would do it later. I could sense your patience was running out. A couple of minutes later, you asked Tun to clear the miniature Mario figures from your table. I got annoyed and told you she was about to leave. You snapped and said, “it will just take a minute”. I got more annoyed and went to my room.

A couple of hours later I started to get ready to go to dinner at Ammamma’s. You had still not decided if you were coming. I told you it was ok if you didn’t want to come. And you said, “I’ll see”. I wore a new white dress and you came into my room. I asked you how it looked, and you said, “a bit frumpy”. So I decided to change. You were getting ready to take the dogs out for a walk. I came to the hallway as you were leaving. You said, “Bye, love you. Drive Safe”. Nothing uncommon. I remember the slight upbeat in your voice and thought your mood was much better. I said, “Bye, love you darling”. How I wish I had taken a few steps towards you to give you my last hug. That would be the last time I saw you alive.

It was pouring with rain. As I left the car park, I thought you would be nearly done with your walk. And I looked around for you. I couldn’t see you and told myself not to be so anxious and left. When I went to Ammamma’s house, I was in a bad mood. Mama and the girls were decorating the house with the tackiest of New Year’s decorations. I remember telling myself, “just leave them be”, unsure why I was so unsettled. I called Jess later to ask when I should pick you both. I remember hearing your voice when I was talking to Jess. You first said you would come for a while. And a few seconds later, you said you’d rather stay home. You sounded fine. So I came to pick Jess up. And didn’t think to come up to check on you.

At about 7.30pm, I texted you to ask if you were ok. There was no reply. So I called you. You answered. I would analyse this conversation countless times. But what I remember was that your voice was not great, but also not bad. You said you were playing games, and I ended the conversation. That would be the last time I ever heard your voice.

Over the next 2 hours, I thought if I should call you again. But told myself you should be fine and I was almost heading home. I left the dinner party at about 9.40pm and dropped Jess and Aunty J at the station. As I was driving back and stalling at the traffic light, I felt very sad. Sad that we had a party without you, sad that you could not be a part of it, and sad that you would struggle to enjoy it.

But I never thought I would be driving home to my worst nightmare.

Love Mum