I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Where did the time go? It’s officially the start of another year without your physical presence. This time last year, our worst nightmare had just begun. A few months after you passed, I felt like time was passing too slowly and I couldn’t wait to get it all done and over with so that I could see you again. Now it feels like I blinked and a whole year has passed with a new one beginning immediately after. I know that’s how time works, but how could it? Time should stop after 31^st December 2024. We shouldn’t be forced to keep waking up, going to work or school, or moving along as if you’re still here. Again, I know it’s unrealistic for me to think this way, but I still wonder how we do it. How do we keep getting up and finding reasons to carry on when it feels like our lives ended with yours?

It’s so unfair that you don’t get to live your life with us on Earth. It’s so unfair that we are forced to carry on after the biggest heartbreak of our lives has happened. I’m constantly struggling between trying to live life for you and wondering how life could be lived after you. I think this is a struggle I will continue to have, so a part of me is telling myself to start getting used to it. A year ago today, I never thought that I’d see the beginning of 2026. I feel like I haven’t done much this year, but I also get the dreadful feeling that you’ve missed so much of our year. I guess in a way, it’s a good thing that time feels like it is passing quickly – it means we’ll get to be with you soon. We are one year closer to being with you again. That’s quite a comforting thought.

I believe you are still sending us signs, but that’s another thing that worries me. Will the signs decrease or eventually stop? Are you allowed to keep sending us signs, and will you? At this point, after a whole year, I’ve learnt to block out the skeptic in me. I no longer question if what I’ve seen is a sign, or try to convince myself it’s a sign because I can’t scientifically or logically explain it. I see something that reminds me strongly of you, and tell myself that you’ve sent me a sign. Whatever works to keep us going, right?

Lately I’ve also been coping by planning the future – which sounds quite contradictory because all I’ve been talking about is how much I hate thinking about the future. We talked about wanting a cozy apartment, two dogs, and other little stuff to make our house a home. To cope with what can’t be (in this life), I’ve been researching dog breeds for our future dogs and looking at apartment designs online to give myself a little idea of how things could look like in the future. I remember us talking about house designs in this one bus ride home. I said I prefer the typical modern vibe and the place definitely has to look clean. You teased me for being basic (you say this about my music taste too), but when we passed by houses and pointed out the ones we thought looked aesthetically pleasing, we realized that we had pointed to the same styles of houses! I remember turning to you and saying, “Who’s basic now, huh!” and you refused to admit that you also had a “basic” taste in design. I’m so glad we share similar interests and preferences though – that would save a lot of disagreements.  

Life won’t ever slow down or stop moving, so I’ve settled on continuing to hope that time moves faster whilst doing and being the best I can for you. I think you’d be alright with that.

I love you more, always, and forever. I can’t wait to see you again.

Love always,
Sha