I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Everyone has been so kind, yet again. We are so blessed, yet again. The number of flower arrangements that came in again, the number of texts from family and friends, the constant memes to keep me entertained…..was that why you chose NYE? I was surprised at how many people remembered.

The hours leading up to the anniversary of the moment you died 1 year ago were painful. But I think you would have liked what we did. Shalini, Jess and I spent most of the day together. And in the night, we sat around the dining table doing a very difficult “Up” jigsaw puzzle with your closest friends. “Oppenheimer” was playing in the background, the last movie we watched together as a family in the cinemas. Incidentally, the bomb exploded at exactly 21:18 hours, the exact minute we last heard from you 1 year ago, and the time my post was scheduled.

I wrote everything up to the point that you passed. But I don’t want to write about the hours and days immediately after. What I would do to forget all of that, but I know we will never. I don’t want to remember our closest friends being at our place at the crack of dawn the next day. I don’t want to remember the kind funeral director asking me to choose your coffin hours after you passed. I don’t want to remember seeing the clothes you would be dressed in, hanging neatly in your suit cover. I don’t want to remember going to the morgue. I don’t want to remember seeing the hearse parked outside the house, waiting to bring your body in.

I unfortunately often think of those days. Flash backs, as Jess calls them. And I wonder how I was even standing. When I saw the hearse parked outside the house, I felt like I was going to collapse. It was Jess who came to me and whispered in my ears, “that’s not him Mum”. And somehow, it was these words that carried me through the next 48 hours.

So Jess was advised to “re-write” Day 0 to Day 2. And that is what we are doing. Meal dates with close friends. Trying to complete the jigsaw puzzle. Watching the new Harlen Coben series on Netflix (I think you planned this for me knowing how much I like these). And ironing out details of the foundation.

No matter how much we try to distract though, everytime I look at the clock, I think of what we were doing 1 year ago.

Some of the most beautiful words said to me were these. “His storm has ended”. I’m so sorry the storm was so bad for you. How I wish I could have calmed your storm. But it has indeed ended.

Love you more, Josh.

Mum