I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh, 

This last week has been a lot harder. In some ways, the expectancy of the approaching day was even harder than the day itself. Much of the first 72 hours of this new year were constant reminders of what was happening 1 year ago. But I guess we have survived it, and we are still surviving.

Most, if not all, of our family and friends wrote us very encouraging messages. One that was constantly mentioned was that we had handled the year “with grace”. This was something I never actually thought about before. What does it even mean, to live life with grace?

In grief, “grace” means self-compassion, acceptance, and finding moments of peace amid pain, allowing yourself to feel emotions without judgment, and recognising you’re surviving, not just suffering. It’s about treating yourself kindly, like a friend, and understanding that healing isn’t linear, but involves finding a way to hold both the loss and love. Easier said than done. Based on this definition, I don’t think I’ve handled the year with grace at all.

But while thinking about this last night, I do think you would be proud of us, especially of Shalini, Jess and me. When we thought our whole world had collapsed, (and it did), the idea of even just breathing was just too much. But now, apart from the fact that we have somehow managed to get back to work and study, and in Shalini’s and Jess’s cases, even excelled in it (very likely thanks to you), I think you would be proud of how we have handled ourselves. I think we have become kinder, where kindness is needed. I think we have become firmer in our values and feelings, again, where firmness is needed. I think we have become more compassionate, where compassion is needed. A recent discussion also mentioned that your passing has made us all more honest and open, both with ourselves and with each other. None of us have stamped our feet and thrown a tantrum, though we sometimes feel like doing it.

Most importantly, I realise only now, how YOU handled life with grace. You dealt with so much pain, for so long. And yet, you are probably the kindest person I know. You always felt deeply for those in need. Your friends speak so highly of how much you cared for them. There were many instances when I would come home from work and talk to you and Jess about an issue. Jess and I would decide emotionally. But your response would usually come after a few quiet moments. And it would usually be something very diplomatic. And not hurtful. Of course, there were instances where hurtful things were said to each other, but it would have been at the height of your emotions and ours. I can’t remember a single situation though, where you didn’t reflect on it and then apologise and vice versa.

So, while your pain has been transferred and dispersed amongst us all, I think your grace has been transferred to us as well. I know you wouldn’t want it any other way. You would still want us to be kind, just, polite and compassionate people. Just like the person you are.

Love you darling,

Mum