I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I did something you’d be proud of. I met a friend for brunch. The timing worked out perfectly. I was just finishing orientation at school, which ended way too early, and she texted me to meet up for a cup of coffee nearby as I was on the way home. In all honesty, I was hesitant because I’d not met any of my friends after you passed, but I had this tiny feeling that I should agree – so I did. We met at a nearby mall, one that you and I would patronize, and walked to a little café to have brunch. I’ll refer to her as Friend R for ease of storytelling.

To provide some context, she’s also the only friend of mine who reads the blog. That alone already speaks volumes. It was just really easy to speak to her and hang out. We’d bring you up in conversations that don’t feel forced, and you are spoken about without too much sad feelings. I think it was the perfect balance between remembering you and having normal conversations – if that makes sense.

You didn’t get to meet her, but in 2024 we sat together and opened a few gifts she gave me. Even though you hadn’t met any of my friends, you had a good idea of their personalities and vibes based on what I shared with you and the text exchanges we’d have. We all know that you have no issues sharing your thoughts and opinions about others – a trait of yours you applied to my friends and family – and amongst my friends, you thought Friend R was one of the most genuine ones. It turns out, your judgement was quite accurate. Most of my friends you thought were secretly mean turned out to be fair-weather friends who no longer text me. Not entirely their fault, I’ll give them that, but those who you thought were quite nice stuck around despite my sadness.

This time, she very kindly gifted me more things that I think you would appreciate. First, all her gifts were neatly placed in a purple paper bag! She got me snacks from Australia – before she flew back, she even asked me if you had any favorite snacks from Australia that she could buy. She got me a little pink pouch with a bunny on it, and stickers she thought reminded her of me. I’ve since stuck some of them on my laptop. She also wrote me a very sweet letter that was designed with ladybugs and purplish-blue butterflies because she read the signs from this blog! That’s something you’d definitely appreciate too. You just have a knack for identifying nice people. It’s no wonder all your friends are so sweet.

The last gift that was in this purple paper bag was a children’s book, one about grief and loss. Since we started dating, we’d talk about cultivating a love for reading in our kids and I started a collection of educational and meaningful children’s books I’d come across. This one she gave me was titled “Everywhere, Still”. I read it and loved it for how heartwarming it is. I thought of your family and friends as I was reading it, and how they might like it too. It goes:

“I miss you and I love you.
I know I always will.
And even though you aren’t here now,
I think of you all the time, still.
I still have all our memories.
They live right here, inside of me.
Sometimes they hurt my heart to hold.
Sometimes they’re warm.
Sometimes they’re cold.
Sometimes, they feel so bright and huge I smile…
Because they feel like you.
Sometimes, I try to wish you back.
And then, I wish it worked like that.
The truth is, I’d give anything to have you here,
right next to me…
To see your face or hold your hand.
Or hear my laugh with yours again.
Sometimes the missing gets so big,
it seems to swallow everything.
It feels like there’s a hole in me.
That hole is where you used to be.
I still have all this love for you…
But you aren’t here to give it to.
But then I think,
what if love knows exactly where it needs to go?
What if it traveled fast and far to find you now,
right where you are?
My love becomes a bird of light.
Go now, I say, and it takes flight.
It wings across all space and time.
It knows exactly who to find.
How do I know it flies to you?
I know because you send yours too.
It travels very fast and far,
and comes to rest here…
In my heart.
And when your love comes here to me,
I recognize it instantly.
It fills my heart and warms it, too.
It feels like I’m right next to you.
I miss you and I love you.
I know I always will.
And even though you aren’t here now,
I feel you everywhere, still.
And that’s when I remember that as far as you might be…
It’s love that keeps me close to you,
and keeps you close to me.”

This story is written by M. H. Clark. Although it was written for those left behind, I read it and felt like it could have been written from your perspective too. These could be words said to us, from you. This book also made me casually think about whether I should try writing children’s books. Since I won’t be able to read any to our kids, I could try spreading the love I have in me to others. I actually think you’d be really supportive of the side quests I think of attempting.

I wish our circumstances weren’t ours. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha