I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Last week was one of the toughest weeks I’ve had. This idea that we get a “pass” after having gone through your passing seems to have disappeared. Work was ridiculously busy and I was having to “perform” beyond my capacity. I started the week tired and progressively got more tired throughout the week, with the cumulative lack of sleep increasing daily. I know you were watching over me and very likely feeling sorry for me. But I hope you are proud that I coped. I did feel guilty though. Guilty that I was so overwhelmed with other problems that I didn’t think of you as much as I usually do.

When I was having lunch with Aunty B, she told me this story of another Mother who had lost her son to suicide. Her son had plans to study in Australia. So his Mother coped with his loss by imagining that he was actually studying in Australia. The only thing missing were the physical phone calls.

Many days in the last week, I thought about this as I was going to sleep. I recalled your plans to do your Masters in Oxford. And I thought it would be nice to imagine this as well.

I imagined you going for the interview. This was not hard as we had taken Jess there for her interview before.

I then imagined you moving there, helping you choose your college, setting up your room, looking at how you would have managed your food.

I imagined you spending your time in the Oxford University libraries. You would have loved this too. And perhaps spending a lot of your time at the University gyms. I don’t think you would have spent much time at the pubs though. Not quite your scene, but who knows. Maybe you would have liked it.

I imagined Shalini coming by to visit you and you showing her the sights of UK.

I imagined Jess visiting you in Oxford, and you visiting her in London. And Shalini being with both of you.

And of course, I imagined myself flying into London visiting both of you.

I don’t know how realistic it would have been for this to have actually happened if you were still physically here. Your intelligence and grades would have made the cut. You had also turned your life around in the last 2 years.

So it could have happened. It should have happened.

I gives me comfort that you did visit Oxford University as a child. I’m not sure you remember it. Maybe one day, Shalini, Jess and I will visit again, and you will come along with us.

Love Mum