I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

“kms” is an abbreviation for “kill myself” and it’s an often-used lingo amongst the younger generation (I think). From what I’ve seen, it’s frequently used as a joke when people experience an inconvenience. For our older audiences, here is an example: “I want to kms I took the wrong bus and now I’m going to be late.” (younger audiences: don’t laugh, I’m trying to explain this as best as possible). Anyway, I’m guilty of having used this abbreviation before your passing. I was reading some of our texts and I also used it in October when my brother was being inconsiderate. You have used it before too, as a joke. When you’re not feeling good and the possibility of taking your life comes up, you spell it out. You don’t use the abbreviation when you mean it. I don’t want to search our chats for the number of times you’ve said it and meant it, so I won’t.

I don’t use it anymore, obviously, I feel like it carries too much meaning to be used lightly. But I was telling your sister some time ago that ever since you passed, I freeze up a little when people around me use it. The first time I heard it was a month or so after you passed. A friend of yours said it, jokingly, and the room went cold for a second. I don’t know if I’m the only one who felt the air tense up. I think your friends froze up too because everyone suddenly seemed aware of my presence and wasn’t sure how I’d react. Your friends have been so kind, and I’m sure there has never been ill intentions. So, in that moment, a month after you passed, I laughed it off to ease the slight tension and tell your friends that it’s okay. Jess and I were talking about this – if we should be laughing it off when people jokingly say it – and if I recall our conversation correctly, we agreed that we shouldn’t but often feel like there’s no choice. We don’t want to invite discomfort, even if we personally don’t enjoy the use of it.

Apart from “kms”, other phrases with jokes about suicide make me freeze up too. The most common one is “this thing is killing me”.  I don’t know if I’m taking it all too seriously, and I am aware that I can’t avoid these phrases forever. I know that people who say these phrases are joking, but I can’t help the feeling that comes up when I hear these phrases in passing. I’m not saying no one around me can ever use these phrases again. I can’t control what others say, and I wouldn’t want to. I’d hope that people don’t feel a need to filter their words when they speak to me because I’d want to make them feel comfortable enough to say whatever they please. They mean no harm and I’m aware this is a reaction I’m supposed to control. I’m merely pointing out the effects of grief that I think some might be able to relate to.

This past week has been terrible. To be completely honest with you, I didn’t write this post with the intention of explaining this abbreviation. The first paragraph was intentional to lead to the point I was supposed to make, but as I kept writing, I forgot my original intention. I hate when that happens (now you can laugh). I’m crying a lot more. And I’ve been thinking a lot more. I keep going back to how happy we were. I’m also aware that no relationship is 100% happy all the time and we did have our share of disagreements too. But I’d like to think that in the moments of disagreements we had, we were still happy to be with each other and chose to be with each other, to work on what we needed to. Sometimes when I’m reading our chats, I stumble upon a disagreement we had and think about how silly they are. I wish I had done a better job. I wish I had said something different. I’ve never said anything unkind to you in those moments, but I wish I had used different words and done different things. I have showed you so much love, but in hindsight, was there a way I could have showed you more? Would that have made a difference?

On my birthday in 2024, you asked for a walk in the night and I had said my feet hurt and if we could walk the next day instead. We did walk the next day and every other day we met. We walked all the time. But I was kicking myself reading that. Seriously Sha? You could not have put plasters and put up with the pain to go for a walk?? I wish I had gone for that walk with you. I wish I had done so much more with you.

Okay, this is how you know whatever I write is completely authentic because I’ve just remembered the original intention of this letter (I can hear you laughing). On one of the times I texted you “I want to kms”, you responded in all caps, “WHAT IS HAPPENING AND YOU BETTER NOT. PLEASE DO NOT BECAUSE I NEED YOU HERE.” I know you didn’t mean to, and it was an act of impulse, but did you not realize that I also need you here? In so many of our texts we talk about overcoming everything together and being happy for a long time. I think I’m still struggling to understand why we didn’t make it. Gosh, I’m so emotional these days. Almost every letter I’ve been writing makes me cry.

I think I’ve unknowingly written too much again. Sorry about that! This is my last point (I think). There’s this girl I recently started following on social media. She lost her husband at a young age and she posts about her grief. I relate to a lot of her content. She posts about her adventures and what her husband would have thought. She talks about taking care of herself and names it “taking care of the girl he loved” – which I found really sweet and insightful. She posts about “valentine’s day with her dead husband” – this is something else I struggle with. I can’t say the word “dead” or “died”. I often watch her content and cry because of how sad it is and how much I relate to them. One of her writings that lingers in my mind goes, “My biggest fear is that one day when all my dreams come true and I’m living the life you always hoped for me, I’d still be wishing I was in heaven with you.” I don’t know if watching these things help, but I guess in a way, I feel seen.

I keep a book with me at all times to write my thoughts down. My thoughts happen when I’m asleep too and sometimes I wake up to write them down. I also do this with my assignments too – sometimes I’d write my assignments in my sleep and I remember it when I wake up – which cracked you up. This was one of my most recent thoughts that I wrote down: It is in the stillness that I realize you will never come back and in that same stillness, I think I am not meant to be happy in this lifetime.

Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha