I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’ve mentioned this book before. It was the first book I read after you passed. And I had read excerpts from this book even before you passed, which helped me in many ways on what to expect during the first 48 hours. It was much later that I realised how there were some things similar in the trajectories of Linda (the author) and myself.

In the book, she describes how she was busy in the months leading up to her daughter’s passing with her house in New Zealand. I was also consumed with paperwork and various issues with property in Australia.

Her daughter Victoria had almost made an attempt hours before she actually succeeded. From the text messages between you and Shalini, it sounds like you did too. Is this something common? Are the thoughts of ending one’s life so ferocious that they keep breaking the barrier into one’s mind? Until the act is completed?

Linda comes across an unwashed t-shirt of Victoria’s, and she treasures this. I, too, found an unwashed t-shirt of yours sitting on my bed. It is sealed in a zip-locked bag, my small effort of trying to preserve as much of you as possible.

But perhaps, the most important lessons of the book, is number one- adjusting to your loss. And number two- understanding some part of your thought process.

Number one. On the day you passed, there were 3 pairs of your shoes sitting outside our doorway. My instructions to everyone was not to touch anything and everything should stay where it was. By the 3rd or 4th day, I brought the shoes in. That was the first time I understood a little about how this was going to go. Little bits of transformation when the time felt right. Having said that, the Listerine bottle you last used still sits on my bathroom vanity. Every morning I look at it and think, is it time to throw it out? But I still can’t do it. I often hear your voice saying, “it’s ok Mum, when you’re ready”.

Number two. Your thought process. And in this, I am probably making a grave mistake assuming that all who end their lives have the same thought process. So I’m sorry if this wasn’t the case. Victoria had left multiple poems and journal entries. This one stood out to me the most.

“I have had nothing bad happen to me except my own doing. I have let this cowardice envelop me, and I can’t shake it off. I will commit the worst thing you can ever do to someone who loves you: killing yourself. The scary thing is, I’m okay with that.” 

I wish I could say nothing bad happened to you too. But more importantly, I do believe you knew you were doing the worst thing to all who love you. There was just nothing you could do about it.

And so, we too, are now on this journey of loss adjustment. It is a deliberate slowing down most of the time. Some will say it is not healthy. But it is our journey. And I know you will be telling us it’s ok, we can do it whichever way we want.

Love Mum