I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Apologies for the late letter again – I forgot it was already Saturday. I read a few things online recently that I felt was important enough to be written down in my little notebook of thoughts. Let me share some of them with you.

This line came from a video of a girl sharing about her loss. I can’t exactly recall if she lost her mum or sister, but her loved one passed from an illness that took her away slowly. This girl talked about watching her loved one “pass” day by day and how difficult that was. She then said, “Grief will teach you quickly how dark the human brain can become.” I resonated with that a lot. Grief did and does take me to dark places. Sometimes I think my brain is working against me. I often wonder if that’s how you felt too. The other day I was thinking about my helper leaving us. She’s been with us for close to two years but wanted to go home. I adore her and will miss her immensely for all that she has done for us, and I like to think I’m her favorite member of the family for various reasons (hehe). Just as I formulated this thought – that she likes me as much as I like her – my brain worked against me and a thought popped up, “But she didn’t like you enough to stay.” And I had to fight the “mean” thought and tell myself that there are many factors that came into play, not just whether she liked me or not. Then, my brain did it again, “Your boyfriend didn’t like you enough to stay either.” Cruel, huh, the brain? For some reason, I couldn’t tell myself the same words of comfort. Though rationally, I know that many factors affected what happened to you too – it’s not about how much you liked me or the people around you.

Some people commented under this girl’s video about grief and shared their own experiences. One person commented, “You start to comprehend suicide without being suicidal,” and described that feeling as the worst because it is like living in a dilemma. You don’t want to die but you also don’t want to live. It’s an awful place to be. I fully felt this line as well. I don’t want to live, but I can’t bring myself to die. I mean, if death came quickly and naturally (without my influence), I wouldn’t complain. I don’t think I have much to live for, but I am not brave enough to do it myself. I’m living on the fence and it’s so uncomfortable.

There was also this term that stood out to me – grief tax. Apparently, this is a proper term used to describe the financial and logistical costs of grief – funeral plans, etc. But the grief tax that I’m referring to and resonate with is the emotional, mental, social exhaustion grief causes. Grief tax is basically how much is “taxed” from you emotionally, mentally, and socially every day. Grievers pay a tax daily that lowers their mental, emotional, social ability (and more) and whatever they have left from that tax is for themselves and others. For example, I could wake up one day and pay 70% of grief tax, and the 30% I have left is for myself and others. Really sucks if I had to be out socializing on a 30% capacity, right? When I heard about this term and did some reading on it, I felt validated. “So, this is why I’m so tired sometimes! I’m not the only one!” Some days I suddenly and randomly get exhausted in the middle of conversations with friends or family and can’t bring myself to react or respond. Even if grief tax might not be scientifically studied, it explains my experiences and feelings well.

I miss you very much, but I acknowledge and am grateful for the signs you have sent us. Can’t wait to see you soon. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha