I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

It was Patta’s birthday yesterday. I wasn’t in town for Ammamma’s birthday a few weeks ago, nor Mum’s this year. Last year, the birthdays felt more like torture, so I don’t even remember which one I was here for. But this was the first birthday that I’ve been in Singapore since you passed. The first birthday where presents and cards were given, and the phone wouldn’t stop ringing with wishes.

It was also a birthday where Patta and Ammamma cried in the morning. Patta wept so, so badly when you passed away, and I don’t think Ammamma’s stopped crying since. But it was the first time in months that I’d seen Patta cry to the point where he needed a tissue. I’m sure there’s something I could have done to make it better, but I felt paralysed. I’m sure you would have known what to do and say. It would have been harder for you than it is for me, but you have found a way to do it.

Mum told me a while back that she had booked dinner at a nice Chinese restaurant that you had been to with them. When she said it, it felt like someone kicked me lightly in the chest, but I wasn’t sure why. It was only the day before Patta’s birthday that I could work out why it felt so wrong. I didn’t want to go to a nice dinner like we used to. It has always been a ritual for everyone to dress up and go to a nice restaurant for birthdays and anniversaries. But it felt so wrong to. Furthermore, the restaurant we visited was in the same hotel as the one we went to the day before you passed. I don’t know why we wasted time at a stupid buffet with people I’m not close to when we should have been with you.

Still, everyone got dressed and went. I could get myself to wear a dress, but make-up was where it stopped. It just felt a bit too hard. Shalini came, and I didn’t realise how much of a saving grace that was until we were there. We still get to have 7 people at the table. And then, I realised someone was tapping me on my right arm. Which was weird, because the only person who would tap me was Shalini, who was on my left. We bumped into one of my favourite people from MGS. I’ve been so tired I hadn’t told anyone I was back yet, and she actually only came to the table to say hi to Mum and the grandparents, not realising I was there. If you meant it as a distraction/mood-lifter, I’m not sure you could have done a better job.

I know, I’ve made Patta’s birthday all about me. You’re not here to tell me off for being self-obsessed. But all these things feel so hard now. Patta’s has its own level of difficulty. I don’t think you looked up to anyone as much. When your friend J passed from suicide, the first thing you asked for was to call Patta. I remember what he said to console you then. So I’m sure missing his birthday hurts differently. Still, things made it better. You’d be so, so happy with what Shalini got Patta. Beats the bottle of whiskey Mum and I got him from the supermarket on the day itself LOL.

Love you and miss you somehow more now that I’m home,
Acca