I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I had a terrible dream last night and it was imprinted in the walls of my mind when I woke up. In fact, I woke up way earlier than I was supposed to and couldn’t go back to sleep because of how disturbed I was by this stupid dream. Even hours after I woke up, I found myself thinking about the dream and replaying the scenes I saw. I was pacing up and down my room and internally screaming because this is such a stupid problem to be bothered by compared to all the other problems I have – such as your absence – that should be taking up my entire mind. In the midst of wallowing in this made-up misery, the sudden envy I felt for people who only have such problems to worry about struck me. I wish I only had stupid problems to worry about and cry over.

Instead of worrying if you’re still here with us, or crying over how I can’t see or hear you, I wish I was worrying about stupid things like whether you still like me or if you’re talking to other girls. I wish I had stupid problems to worry about like a regular girlfriend.

I wish I was worrying about what to get you for your birthdays and our anniversaries. I wish I could call my friends and whine about how I think you have everything you want which makes buying gifts for you extremely difficult.

I wish I could whisper my worries in your ear about having lunches and dinners with your family or friends because you’d be right beside me and I wouldn’t be as close to them as I am now because I would be closest to you. It’s such a stupid worry to want because I’m thankful that I’m close to your family and friends but I wish I wasn’t this close because that would mean I’d still be the “shy” girlfriend standing beside you.

I’m thankful for the relationships I now have because they have given and taught me so much, but I wish I still had you. I wish I didn’t have to split a sweet treat with your friend or share a cab home with another because I’d be doing all of those things with you instead. Don’t get me wrong, splitting a sweet treat and cab was nice and I’m full of appreciation for them. Or maybe I wouldn’t have been hanging out with you and your friends at all because I wouldn’t have been close enough to them to be hanging out or talking the way we have been.

It’s so silly but I wish I had the worries of a regular young adult. I wish I had the capacity to worry more about whether I can keep my grades up, if my paper is making sense, if I’m demonstrating the skills necessary to be a psychologist.

I wish I was worrying if I my clothes matched and if you like the style I’m wearing. I wish I could call you again and ask you if my top goes well with my skirt, or if I should buy this bag I’ve been eyeing for the past week. Now everything feels like a coping mechanism and not signs of a young adult with a shopping habit.

I wish for all the stupidest and silliest worries in the world because that will mean that I still have you. Yet I don’t have these worries, because I don’t have you. It’s silly because I have so much to grateful for but I find it difficult to think about that because of all the things I don’t have.

By the way, it’s day 520 today and so fitting that it is my day to post because 520 is a Mandarin slang term for “I love you”. I shall buy you new flowers today in honor of 520. Tomorrow would be day 521, which is another Mandarin slang term for “I love you too”. I’ll be waiting for a special sign from you then! Humor me!

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha