I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I met up with my closest friends last night. The reason we were hanging out is that one of us studying overseas was in town for the week. However, I’m not particularly fond of this person. I don’t need to tell you who it is.

I kind of feel like a bitch about this. She, and her parents, came to your funeral and wake. She knew not to say much to me because I looked like I would lose it. This is not a ‘her’ problem, it’s a ‘me’ problem.

And yet, every time she mentioned something about her family yesterday, it was like a string in me kept snapping. Why does she get to talk about her sister and her Uni life? Why didn’t my brother get to grow up and study overseas? Or experience any of the things most of us take for granted?

She asked about us. I know she was being sensitive when she asked about Mum and our grandparents, but I still wanted to scream. She should be asking me about you. I should be bragging about how you’re doing at Uni or how much you piss me off at home.

I know that none of these things was said with malice. And I know it’s only natural to compare to others. But I think we both clocked a long time ago that it’s optional. Being bitter about everyone else’s life is optional. But when it meant that I couldn’t stop crying last night because I won’t get to see my brother again, it didn’t feel very optional. I’d love to blame grief for making me a shittier person, but I know you wouldn’t approve.

I know I’m being too sensitive. But you’re the only other person I know who’s as sensitive as me. So now I just look like a lunatic.

Miss you so, so much.

Love,
Jess