I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Dawn is now an interesting time for me. My sleep is usually interrupted at this time. Unfortunately, I never actually wake up. The rest of the time is usually trying to get back to sleep.

The weird thing is, I am actually quite excited to go back to sleep at this time. And that’s because, this is the time you usually visit me. Just before I try going back to sleep, I usually ask you to visit me.

Perhaps it’s because I somehow remember the dreams at this time. Or is it because you choose to visit me at this time? I’m not sure. But I can usually remember the dreams vividly. To me and many in our family, you visit us at different ages. Even as a baby. Perhaps this is what heaven is like? You get to exist at any age? Recently I had a dream when you were about 10 years old. Hugging you really felt so, so real. Despite waking up from it and realising it was a dream, I was still so happy.

The other part of dawn is it is also the saddest part of the day for me. It is that millisecond when I sometimes forget what has happened. It is the second my eyes open to your picture beside my bed and realise how our lives have changed. It is the minute I remember listening for sounds in your room, now forever silent. And it is sometimes the hour I toss and turn, not actually being able to fall asleep, and thinking of you constantly.

Yes, I know what you’re going to say. “Just get up and go for a run Mum”. One day Josh.

Love Mum