I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Jess recently wrote about how her close friend thinks of you often, and how strong she thinks we all are.

I often wonder what was the first bit of trauma that you were exposed to. And it is possibly the witnessing of a girl who took her life in our condo. I’m not sure if I will write about that at some point, but that is not the focus of today’s post.

That was one of the first times I was exposed to suicide, and unfortunately, it was much too soon for you and Jess. I was crushed for several days when I found out how young she was. And I thought there was no way her parents would be able to go on. I obviously had no idea I would be in the same boat a decade later.

Months later, I saw her mother walking near the beach. And honestly, I was very surprised at the time.

My thoughts were many.

“How is she living?”

“How does she look ok?”

“How does she have the strength to go out of her house?”

“How is she actually able to be at the beach?”

I wonder now, if people who see me think the same thing. But I realise more importantly, it really doesn’t matter.

Until today, many people, some even close friends, say to me, “I don’t know how you’re doing it. I wouldn’t be able to.” It annoys me sometimes. As if I wanted to do this. But I also remember how I perceived this other parent. It is no different.

The strength comes from somewhere. Just because we need to keep living.

Lately, before I go to bed, I’ve been looking at your picture and asking you, “couldn’t you have just stayed?”. I know it’s not fair, but how I wish you would have.

Love Mum